MY MORNING ROUTINE

  1. Wake up an hour before my alarm for no explicable reason
  2. Fall back asleep ten minutes before my alarm goes off
  3. Lie in bed for fifteen minutes after my alarm goes off thereby jeopardizing my chances of actually getting to work on time.
    I promised myself I would be on time today...
  4. Take a fifteen minute shower, even though I'm late for work, and wonder why my drain is clogged yet again
    How does my roommate have THIS much body hair??
  5. Spend ten minutes choosing between my five dress shirts...even though I'm now running twenty minutes late for work
  6. Try to cook eggs and set off the fire alarm for the fifth time this month and hope I didn't wake up my roommate
    I hear her laughing from her room because she can't understand why I'm the only one who continually sets off the fire alarm
  7. Spend ten minutes trying to make my hair perfect even though my springy thick Jew hair will NEVER be perfect
  8. Drag myself to the train and probably have to run to catch it in time
    Well, now I'm sweaty and out of breath and surrounded by attractive women so that's cool
  9. Hope to god that no one is at the office yet so they won't know that I'm half an hour late
    Not only am I the first person in my office but I'm also the first person on the entire floor.... Our tax dollars are funding the salaries of some really great people here
  10. Spend an hour staring at the blisters on my hand and checking my Twitter until I can muster the energy to actually start working