DAD JOKES

Actual jokes your dad has told...
  1. β€’
    What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
    Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
  2. β€’
    Me: "I'm hungry." Dad: [shakes my hand] "Jim Hamilton, nice to meet you." EVERY TIME. EVERY FUCKING TIME.
    Suggested by Β  @DanaDigsYou
  3. β€’
    My dad calls me Mare so whenever I go to bed he always says "g'NIGHTMARE! Ahaaa!"
    Suggested by Β  @marymurphy
  4. β€’
    What's the difference between a Polish pessimist and a Polish optimist?
    A polish pessimist says "things can't get any worse." The Polish optimist says, "Yes they can."
    Suggested by Β  @nindoonjibaa
  5. β€’
    Every time we go out to dinner my dad gets the check and goes "Alright Chloe, your portion is..."
    it's his signature joke
    Suggested by Β  @chloeabzzz
  6. β€’
    Two silk worms had a race. The result was a tie.
    Suggested by Β  @lardvoldemort
  7. β€’
    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    U nique up on it
    Suggested by Β  @lupelenape94
  8. β€’
    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick
    Suggested by Β  @hh12995
  9. β€’
    What's the opposite of understanding?
    "Over-sitting" πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„
    Suggested by Β  @mirthnuts
  10. β€’
    This couple has a child who never starts talking. He gets to age ten and has never spoken a word. They take him to doctors, no one can figure it out. One night at dinner, the kid announces, "The soup is cold." The parents are shocked: "You can speak! Why haven't you ever said anything?" The kid says, "Nothing was wrong until now."
    Suggested by Β  @angusisley
  11. β€’
    Saying mildly suggestive phrases, followed by "that's what she said." When my sister complained, "You can't do it to yourself!" he responded...
    Suggested by Β  @jb_piper
  12. β€’
    I got a call this morning from someone asking for George. When I said there was no one here by that name, they asked if they could leave a message. I said no, because there's no George here! A few hours later someone else called for George. I said wrong number, but they also wanted to leave a message. And again and again this happened all day.
    At the end of the day I got one more call. "Hello this is George. Do I have any messages?"
    Suggested by Β  @edge
  13. β€’
    Upon having a serious discussion with my dad, and literally saying "I'm serious" he'll say "Nice to meet you serious, I'm dad" and goes for a handshake.
    I feel as if this (and all the alternatives) is the ultimate dad joke !
    Suggested by Β  @megg18
  14. β€’
    *Sitting in his lounge chair* I'm gonna have some popcorn. Do you want some? "No thanks, I gotta drive"
    Suggested by Β  @matthewjamesmac
  15. β€’
    Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"
    My dad tells this joke all. the. time. @darshnim @poweronyourvcr
    Suggested by Β  @sar_marieee
  16. β€’
    Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary?
    The last Clinton administration left a bad taste in her mouth.
    Suggested by Β  @whatsupdanny
  17. β€’
    Why can't bikes run? Because they're two tiredπŸ˜±πŸ™„
    Suggested by Β  @clairea321
  18. β€’
    So I said to my wife with a wooden leg, "Peg? How do you keep your socks up? Thumbtacks?"
    This is actually my mom's favorite joke but it's corny enough to be a dad joke
    Suggested by Β  @hannahbee
  19. β€’
    On Easter Sunday my mom said "those gladiolus on the altar look so pretty." And my dad responded with, "yes, but on Thursday they were SADiolus."
    Suggested by Β  @rachy
  20. β€’
    You're going on a hike? Did someone tell you to "take one?"
    Suggested by Β  @Aisha
  21. β€’
    In 2008, my dad called me and pretended to be Barack Obama. More of a Dad prank.
    Suggested by Β  @Aisha
  22. β€’
    Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?
    Never mind...it's pointless
    Suggested by Β  @babygotmac27
  23. β€’
    What's the best time to go to the dentist? "Tooth Hurty."
    Suggested by Β  @lissarubin
  24. β€’
    "Hey dad, can I have a glass of ice water?" "How about an onion? That'll make your ice water."
    Suggested by Β  @lissarubin
  25. β€’
    Preface: my name is Isabel.
    Dad: (pointing at me) this is a bell.
    Suggested by Β  @imc