EXCERPTS FROM WEDDING SPEECHES I HAVE GIVEN

The names have been pulled to protect the innocent and therefore the wording is weird. But these were never by any means any good. But twas requested...
  1. "We met at sports camp when we were 9 years old. We quickly bonded over not being good at sports."
  2. "He's the kind of perfect guy you'd hate if he wasn't on your side. So instead, you're just extremely jealous."
  3. "You can tell the effect she's had on him by looking his dog. Before, when we'd all be watching the Bulls game together, he'd be jumping and the couch and barking at the TV. When she showed up, he stopped doing that. And so did the dog."
    Rim-muthafuckin-shot.