My wife, son, and daughter are not comedians, but sometimes they say things that just make me laugh out loud (sometimes not deliberately) so I write them down. Here are the best of them.
  1. (said by 3-year-old girl) Rock stars don't wear underwear.
  2. (same girl at 5 years) I can't scratch my bum if I wear underwear.
  3. (said by 6-year-old girl to 10-year-old boy) You're going to get hairy soon, just check out Daddy's penis.
  4. (8-year-old boy) I'm not crying, I'm sweating through my eyelids.
  5. (said by wife to son) Love is a hard thing to explain but an easy thing to understand.
  6. (wife) You should only flash people who you want to flash you back.
  7. (wife, talking about C-sections) Nobody likes a stretched out vagina.
  8. (10-year-old said to me) When I get bigger than you, I'm gonna pummel you and use you as a butt wiper.
  9. (wife, speaking about a memorable Easter present) Parental note: the easter bunny should not bring a girl her first training bra.
  10. (9-year-old boy) Friends are like boogers... you can pick them, but you can't wipe them on the couch.
  11. (9-year-old boy, mixing up the ten commandments with the seven deadly sins) What are the ten commandments again? What's the one about being fat?
  12. (9-year-old boy) Breast feeding... no two meals are the same!
  13. (9-year-old girl) By the way, I have a booger in my nose. I didn't pick it in the car because I didn't know where to put it.
  14. (13-year-old boy) Ya know, having a foreskin makes your penis longer.
  15. (9-year-old girl) I just had a press conference. I have no idea what that is, but I just had one.
  16. (9-year-old girl) I want everyone to have a taste of my sweetness. (after farting in front of the fan)
  17. (9-year-old girl) I love pooing, it's fun!
  18. (Dad, to 9-year-old girl) Hey, stop farting! (Girl) I'm just playing along with the music.
  19. (9-year-old girl) I'm headed to the bathroom for a poo. Wish me luck.
  20. (9-year-old girl) I'm 75 pounds of angry! Look out!
  21. (9-year-old girl) I don't know why, but going to school makes me have the urge to fart.
  22. (9-year-old girl) You know what I figured out? When your butt is itchy, and you fart, it makes the itchiness go away.
  23. (9-year-old girl) My farts just slip out. It's like a slip n' slide in there.