Funny things my wife and kids have said over the years.

My wife, son, and daughter are not comedians, but sometimes they say things that just make me laugh out loud (sometimes not deliberately) so I write them down. Here are the best of them.
  1. (said by 3-year-old girl) Rock stars don't wear underwear.
  2. (same girl at 5 years) I can't scratch my bum if I wear underwear.
  3. (said by 6-year-old girl to 10-year-old boy) You're going to get hairy soon, just check out Daddy's penis.
  4. (8-year-old boy) I'm not crying, I'm sweating through my eyelids.
  5. (said by wife to son) Love is a hard thing to explain but an easy thing to understand.
  6. (wife) You should only flash people who you want to flash you back.
  7. (wife, talking about C-sections) Nobody likes a stretched out vagina.
  8. (10-year-old said to me) When I get bigger than you, I'm gonna pummel you and use you as a butt wiper.
  9. (wife, speaking about a memorable Easter present) Parental note: the easter bunny should not bring a girl her first training bra.
  10. (9-year-old boy) Friends are like boogers... you can pick them, but you can't wipe them on the couch.
  11. (9-year-old boy, mixing up the ten commandments with the seven deadly sins) What are the ten commandments again? What's the one about being fat?
  12. (9-year-old boy) Breast feeding... no two meals are the same!
  13. (9-year-old girl) By the way, I have a booger in my nose. I didn't pick it in the car because I didn't know where to put it.
  14. (13-year-old boy) Ya know, having a foreskin makes your penis longer.
  15. (9-year-old girl) I just had a press conference. I have no idea what that is, but I just had one.
  16. (9-year-old girl) I want everyone to have a taste of my sweetness. (after farting in front of the fan)
  17. (9-year-old girl) I love pooing, it's fun!
  18. (Dad, to 9-year-old girl) Hey, stop farting! (Girl) I'm just playing along with the music.
  19. (9-year-old girl) I'm headed to the bathroom for a poo. Wish me luck.
  20. (9-year-old girl) I'm 75 pounds of angry! Look out!
  21. (9-year-old girl) I don't know why, but going to school makes me have the urge to fart.
  22. (9-year-old girl) You know what I figured out? When your butt is itchy, and you fart, it makes the itchiness go away.
  23. (9-year-old girl) My farts just slip out. It's like a slip n' slide in there.