1. “Hello” with Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy: Chocolate Ice Cream with Chocolate Cookies and Swirls of Chocolate Pudding Ice Cream.
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    Because you’re so "sorry ‘bout it” but not really because you love yourself and deserve nice things…like eating this whole damn pint in one sitting. Each spoonful is a message to your former self - "This is who I am now and while I miss you, I will work hard to fucking love me."
  2. “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” with Raspberry Sorbet and plenty of Champagne.
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    Some stupid fuckboi stopped “whatever this is”-ing with you. Screw it. You’re better off. Either way, you’ve always got the unsolicited nudes he sent to laugh about. Like the bubbles in your fourth glass and the sharp zing of sweetness on your tongue you are effer-fucking-vescent. Go ahead and finish that bottle and put on the cute underwear, you’re going out dancing with your favorites.
  3. “I Miss You” with Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra: Chocolate and Caramel Ice Creams with Fudge Chips and a Soft Caramel Core.
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    Eat half of this (or less) because you’re totally getting some later. The contrast of rough dark chocolate chips and smooth, sticky, supple caramel on your tongue is 100% analogous of the sensory explosion that is your love life. Get all the flavors in one scoop and go ahead - keep the lights on.
  4. “When We Were Young” with a single-scoop cone of Superman.
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    For nostalgia’s sake, you tell yourself…even though you can’t help but feel a little silly ordering it. You’re back home at your childhood ice cream shop. The summer sun is setting, gilding the tops of cars as they roll by. You left your 10 year high school reunion early. The man you pined for aged a bit, but he carries the weight well. He has a kid now. You breathe in the remaining rays of twilight, smile, and toss out the unfinished cone. That fluorescent swirl used to taste so much better.
  5. “Remedy” with Mint Chocolate Chip, scooped into a familiar bowl.
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    You fish the baby spoon engraved with your initials out of the back of the cluttered drawer of cutlery. You’ll eat it slower this way. It’s not your favorite, but has always been Mom’s flavor of choice. Your first Christmas without her. The last Christmas in this suddenly cavernous home of your childhood. You take a small spoonful and silently pray to Her as the sharp sweetness fills your mouth - you’ve stopped praying to god - “Please let me love this life the way you loved us."
  6. “Water Under the Bridge” with drive-thru Dairy Queen, you’re getting a freaking blizzard.
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    You’ve had your first big fight and a drive with the windows down and the late summer wind could do you a world of good. There’s a touch of cool air that whips through your hair, giving you the faintest inkling of fall. Fuck. They skimped on the peanut butter cups. You start laughing “Why am I so upset about this? It’s ice cream. I love him." You turn the car around and head back to the drive-thru, you order a 2nd blizzard to go “extra peanut butter cups” because they’re his favorite, too.
  7. “River Lea” with 1/2 a pint of Jenni’s Queen City Cayenne: "Mellow milk Chocolate and bright, zippy, back-of-the-throat spice" in a bathtub. You’ve had it in the freezer for a while and were saving the 12 dollar pint for a special occasion. It’s Tuesday. Close enough.
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    The bathwater is nearly scalding. The flicker of the candles you lit cast shadows; your knees look like mountains against the tile. You catch a glimpse of your mud-masked face in the mirror and scoff. You slide a spoonful into your mouth and sink lower in the tub. You exhale - chilled breath creates a cloud in the steam. The chocolate, velvety and rich prickles your skin, maybe it’s the heat of bath or the Cayenne. The ice cream melts almost as quickly as you do. Oh well, it was a nice thought.
  8. “Love in the Dark” with the rest of the melted 1/2 pint of Jenni’s Queen City Cayenne in a lukewarm bath.
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    You palm the pint like a stemless wine glass drinking down the melted chocolate. Your throat is burning, the tile is sweating, and the bath makes you shiver. A trickle of the sweet, spiced soup runs down your chin. You gingerly balance the empty pint on the edge of the tub cupping your hands down in the soapy brine and back up to rinse your chin. The tributaries in your shriveled fingertips trap the crusted remnants of the mud-mask in their grooves. Fuck. You should’ve gotten out 20 minutes ago.
  9. “Million Years Ago” with Butter Pecan. You’re 56 going on 82. Time to start buying Werther’s for those pockets, gramps
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    Your life isn’t the rip-roaring adventure you hoped it would be...you’re no cowboy after all. You’ve stumbled back home from the bar. Home. If that’s what you call it. Boxes, still unpacked, litter the sterile condo. The walls match the scoops in your bowl. “Fuckin’ beige…” you mutter as you crush the snowballs into a paste. Your eyes fix on the indentation in your naked ring finger and darken. You stand up, steady yourself, and dump your bowl in the sink before heading to the couch to pass out.
  10. “All I Ask” with Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked: Chocolate and Vanilla Ice Creams with Fudge Brownies and Gobs of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough eaten in your favorite robe with a comically large spoon. You forgot to shut the freezer but who the fuck cares?
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    You dive into the pint making sure to get a clump or two of cookie dough. Singing along with a mouthful of chocolate masks the fact that you only know 1/2 the words by heart. You hit the bottom of the pint. Your eyes fly open - how is it empty already?! You sob and sing into the spoon, cleaning streaks of deliciousness off it first. You will love again, goddamn it. You close your eyes raising your voice as the song crescendoes, overpowering the thuds your neighbor makes against the wall.
  11. “Sweetest Devotion” with a small cup of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Peanut Buttery Swirl from the brick and mortar store on 3rd Ave (RIP).
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    You gushed a bit too much about this new boy at dinner with your friends, but tequila makes you a Chatty Cathy. You don’t feel like heading home yet, your heart’s too big to turn in. The city seems to glitter, light bouncing off of flecks in the sidewalk. You catch up with your favorite Scooprista and with a wave and smile you step back out onto the sparkling pavement. You head towards the park, floating along savoring every bite. You remind yourself to look up, you sigh and grin like a fool.