That time I went to Scotland

Lessons learned from my travel abroad...
  1. So I was given the opportunity to travel anywhere in the world that I wanted. Naturally, I picked Scotland. I mean my relatives came from there and it's one of the few places a person that looks like me can blend in. Spoiler Alert: I'm a Ginger. To sum it up, I had some "experiences" I'll break these down into travel tips for you.
  2. Don't go there in March.
    Just because it's spring break here doesn't mean that the weather there is decent; I had to cut a week long trip short by 3 days because of a blizzard.. Yup, stupid me.
  3. Find out who the arch nemesis Rugby team is in town and do not wear any shade of color that resembles theirs.
    I almost got the crap beaten out of me several times until they realized I was an "American Wanker"
  4. If you pack inappropriately for the weather do not buy clothes that locals wear i.e. Rugby or "football" especially if you're a Ginger.
    I was denied access to a tour bus, mistaken for a local, and almost got into several altercations because of said clothing. Just use the Google box and check the weather.
  5. There are several other interesting tid bits I could share but this one seems to be the one everyone wants to hear about and probably the most important: If you are a Ginger or have any Gaelic/highlander in you listen up... DO NOT fall asleep in the airport, and make sure you are aware of the entire contents of your carry on bag.
  6. Here's why - I was traveling with my Grandmother and she wasn't especially happy that we were leaving early and somehow that was my fault. So when I fell asleep at our gate, on our 2nd or 3rd delay for weather, she neglected to wake me up and tell me our gate had changed and that our flight was boarding.
  7. When I suddenly woke up and didn't see her and noticed the flight status said "Paris" instead of "Newark" I freaked a little. Apparently my jolt to the counter to find out what was up was enough for security to notice me and begin their pursuit. I found out the flight was boarding at another gate on the other side of the terminal so I hoofed it.
  8. After running for what seemed like forever I was greeted at the new gate by armed guards and a golf cart and was politely asked to go with them. By "politely" I mean dudes with AK 47s sat me down on the cart and sped off.
  9. When we arrived to the interrogation room they advised me that the gig was up and they knew who I was. To save some time: They thought I was a defecting IRA militant and was escaping. To their credit, the photo of the dude they were looking for did look an awful lot like me.
  10. So after accusing me of having a horrible American accent and a fake passport they searched my bag. No biggie right? I've got nothing going to hide. I'm not worried. Then they pull out an item about the size of a brick wrapped in brown paper with tape all around it. I decided at that moment I would never leave Scotland.
  11. At this point they have "enough" evidence to search my person. To me that's a pat down, to them that's a guy that looks like a wildling from Game of Thrones sticking his fingers up my butt and exploring for a while. So ya, that happened.
  12. After the foreplay they bring in a guy to open the package on the table. I swear it took them three minutes to cut it open. They must have thought it was a bomb. So then they realize it's not and they start cutting it open. Turns out it was some mini cloth pillow Christmas ornaments my Grandmother bought. No bombs or drugs, shocking!
  13. So they curse and mumble and then advise me I have 5 minutes before my plane departs to make it to the gate and that I can feel free to run down there [with no shoestrings in my shoes or belt around my pants and a sore bum]
  14. They stripped me of all that because apparently this guy they were looking for was some reimcarnation of Jason Bourne and could kill them with shoe strings?
  15. So I made my flight and drank on the plane until they cut me off and haven't left the big Island since.