WHY I LEFT THE BABY SHOWER

  1. The coffee sucked.
  2. I'd rather go on a run. That's just sad.
  3. It was 2 hours in and mama to be still hadn't started to open the presents. What the fudd?
  4. There were at least 300 presents. At 1 present for every 5 minutes it takes to unwrap and thank... Fuck, I'm out.
  5. I just wanted to hide by the desert table and stuff my face but the fact that mama to be was 7 months pregnant and still looked like a super model made me rethink that 4th cheesecake cup. Bitch.
  6. Consistently asked "When's yours?" Temped to answer back "When hell freezes over or Clive Owen calls me back."
  7. My mom was getting a little tipsy. Yeah, I left her there. I'm terrible.
  8. I can be dreadfully awkward at these things.
  9. No games. It's a fucking Gift that I'm here in the first place. I want to feel like a winner.