AMERICA: AN ABRIDGED HISTORY

highlights of the 250+ years of America, often considered the greatest country in the world by Americans.
  1. July 4th, 1776: Independence Day
    America defeats the British and teas to become independent. would later repair relations with both.
  2. 1777-1860: nothing of significance happens
    this includes, but is not limited to, the purchase of Ohio as a territory.
  3. April 12th, 1861: The Civil War
    America is divided into The Union and The Confederacy, tensions almost escalate to a tragically fatal degree until both sides realize how ridiculous and abhorrent the idea of slavery is, and are able to end things amicably and peacefully, thus why it became known as The Civil War.
  4. December 17th: 1903
    The Wright Brothers invent modern flight by successfully separating themselves into first class, coach.
  5. July 28th, 1914: World War I
    A war amongst the world's superpowers over who would get the right to film the first full color feature length motion picture ever, The Wizard of Oz. A war that America would win, but as part of the peace treaty, would still be forced to use German actress and Nazi High Commander Judith Garländ in the lead role.
  6. September 1st, 1939: World War II
    the first of many lackluster, formulaic sequels that America would become famous for churning out, a tradition that still continues to this day.
  7. November 3rd, 1954: Godzilla
    a giant radioactive, plasma blasting, vaguely dinosauric monster attacks America, which turns out to be pretty cool.
  8. April 30th, 1975: The War of 1812 Begins
  9. July 2nd, 1996: Independence Day Again
    aliens attack the world, and it's up to America to save the day. despite the aliens crippling our communications system, an Air Force pilot, a computer programmer, and a stripper with a heart of gold and a son of varying importance all band together to luck backwards into a loophole victory that destroys the alien warships by infecting them with a virus we invented known as Windows '95. President Bill Pullman gives an inspiring speech that is quoted at frat parties for all time.
  10. July 1st, 1998: Armageddon
    a ragtag group of American offshore oil riggers quickly learn to be astronauts, fly to an asteroid and blow it up with science and Aerosmith, saving the planet — and more importantly — the country.
  11. May 26th, 2004: The Day After Tomorrow
    after centuries of carelessness, global warming finally catches up with the world and causes a giant flash freeze of the entire planet. intrepid American scientists manage to survive and coin the phrase "winter is coming," which would later be used in a popular TV show, so the whole ordeal is considered "worth it."
  12. September 11th, 2001: 9/11
    a day set aside to commemorate "too soon" jokes by America's least funny people.
  13. July 4th, 2015
    race, economic, gender, and class relations are all finally reconciled as America and all Americans achieve simultaneous total enlightenment, and become an example, helper, and beacon of hope for the rest of the world.
  14. November 2nd, 2016: Donald Trump & Justin Bieber are elected President & VP
    everything pretty much reverts back to its pre-enlightened state, but with mandatory nationwide worse hair.
  15. happy Fourth, y'all! have fun and stay safe xoxo