1. Bang: Wingdings
    the nonsensical sort of craziness that is perfect for a rebound hookup or some mild experimentation, you go to Wingdings when you want a story to tell your friends the next day, but not the sort of font you would take out in public or introduce to your family and loved ones.
  2. Marry: Comic Sans
    the sort of sloppy, clearly mailing it in kind of look with just enough faux personality to make you think you didn't settle. the nuances and quirks that made you initially think it was interesting are the same ones you'll grow to hate over the years, maybe things would've worked out better with a safer font like Arial or Helvetica, but that's a "what if" for another night, spent alone on the couch with a bottle of wine and your thoughts.
  3. Kill: Papyrus
    this pseudo-exotic front backed with all the design and classiness of an eighth grader's first diorama project info placard, this font is offensive to both the hieroglyphics of the culture it's appropriating for its own "style" and anyone with any taste. do the world a favor and take this abomination out back, drop it to its knees and double tap it in the back of the head, Boondock Saints style. the world owes you a debt of gratitude. veritas, aequitas.