Jesus Christ's Apostles, Ranked by How Much They Betrayed Him to His Death

in honor of Easter, a definitive guide to Jesus' 12 disciples (plus one replacement apostle) and whether or not their actions directly or indirectly led to his incarceration, merciless beating to within an inch of his life, and eventual crucifixion on a cross — a means of death still largely considered "a bit over the top" even by today's standards
  1. James
    did not betray Jesus
  2. John
    did not betray Jesus
  3. Simon the Zealot
    super zealous about most things except betraying Jesus
  4. Andrew
    did not betray Jesus
  5. Thaddeus
    probably went by "Thad" to his family and close friends, like a real douche, but did not betray Jesus
  6. Matthew
    did not betray Jesus
  7. Matthias
    replacement disciple, did not betray Jesus, despite there being some precedent for that sort of behavior by the time he joined the group
  8. James the Less
    despite being the "lesser" or "younger" of the Jameses, did not, in his youth and naïveté, betray Jesus
  9. Batholomew
    lamest name of the group, but in spite of that still did not betray Jesus
  10. Philip
    did not betray Jesus
  11. Thomas
    doubted Jesus once — in the face of pretty overwhelming circumstantial evidence supporting his doubt, it must be noted. at no time did his doubt lead to the capture and torture of any Messiahs
  12. Peter
    technically denied Jesus a few times…though it's hard to say that getting denied hurts as much as a crown of literal thorns and being run through with a spear while you suffocate to death
  13. Judas Iscariot
    in what many scholars consider "the biggest dick move of all time," betrayed Jesus, for a sum of money that even in ancient times probably wasn't enough to offset watching your teacher and mentor get mocked and abused in front of everyone he ever knew before having actual spikes driven through his appendages and left to rot in someone else's grave while simultaneously guaranteeing one's own eternal damnation. seriously, it was less than triple digits' worth of silver.