PERKS OF NOT BEING A WALLFLOWER

  1. prominently featured in many facebook pictures, especially ones you weren't supposed to be in
  2. usually the drunkest
  3. most likely to succeed
    success being a sliding scale relative to your individual goals, obv
  4. that thing? sure, Dustin will eat/drink/do it!
  5. don't have to guess what they're thinking because they already said it three times without you asking
  6. excellent third/fifth/seventh wheel
  7. I LOVE YOU
    anyone, anywhere
  8. top billing in many "you had to be there" stories
  9. crippling sadness, loneliness and self-esteem issues masked by years and beers, not always in that order. will undoubtedly collapse one day under strain of own existence
    …maybe not technically a perk