PLACES I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE HITTING ON WOMEN

  1. bars
    what are you, the first act of a Katherine Heigel movie? why would anyone ever want to be the skeezy guy who comes along and hits on a girl at a bar when she's just trying to have a good time? also I'm here to have a drink with my friends, not to end up as the douche you guys talk about when you go to the bathroom.
  2. beach
    like, you're already in a bikini which is awkward enough, but then if I wanna talk to you I have to do that awful/awkward angle where I'm standing but you're literally laying down on the ground and the whole interaction feels like misogyny incarnate and I just don't have the energy.
  3. gym
    my personal nightmare is running into the girl of my dreams at the gym, in full view of the 5£ weights that I'm struggling to lift. if I could use Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility for the duration of my workout, I would.
  4. park
    it's all warm out and sweaty and like yes I think your dog is cute but that's between me and your dog. if there was a socially acceptable way for me to interact with your dog and not you, I would choose that option.
  5. restaurants
    like, you're either out to eat with your friends or you're on a date, as am I. why would I want to interrupt either of those activities with some weak banter about foie gras?
  6. industry events
    we work in the single most female-objectifying industry on the planet, why would I exacerbate that by hitting on you?
  7. professional setting
    office, doctor's waiting room, bank, meeting, conference call, on set…if I am in "professional Dustin" mode, I am not in a romantic headspace. I'm here to get the job done to the best of my ability.
  8. church
    "Come here often?" "Yeah, about once a week." I saw a guy hit on a girl I thought was cute right in front of me one time, and once my seething jealousy subsided, I remembered that I'd rather be single forever than be the sort of dude who prioritizes meeting women over cleansing your heart/mind/soul.
  9. traffic
    I don't care who you are or where you rank on the traditional 10-point scale, on the 405, we are all enemies.
  10. auditions
    I'm trying hard enough to not let my perpetual existential crisis and extreme self-doubt inform my delivery of the line "It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno," so the last thing I'd want is to have to muster the confidence to talk to you. besides I wouldn't want to mess up your perfect take on "I'm loving it."
  11. "da club"
    even if it wasn't literally too loud to hear myself think or you talk, I still wouldn't want to try and breech the wall of black dresses between me and you just to find out you have a boyfriend who's gonna be right back with your drink any second.
  12. weddings
    you are either here with a date already or you are here solo and are an entire handle of Johnny Walker deep (no? just me?) and either way you want nothing to do with anyone else. I get it. same.
  13. pretty much anywhere, all the time
    this may be one of the contributing factors to why I will die cold and alone, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it (probably to jump off of it)