RANKS, RANKED

  1. 1.
    Captain
    nice, solid rank, decently high, and most of the associations with it are positive (Captain America, Captain Planet, etc.). although if you're a big hindsight guy, you run the risk of being labeled Captain Obvious.
  2. 2.
    General
    the obvious choice for number 1, but not so fast, the general has a lot of extra attention, responsibility, and work that lower ranks don't have to worry about. there is better bang for your buck.
  3. 3.
    Major
    decent rank, but you're gonna wanna avoid any ranks that are easy setups for jokes at your expense. Major Douche, Major Dick, Major Tom; you don't need the hassle.
  4. 4.
    Brigadier General
    because who doesn't want a rank that also sound like it might be the lead in a Sondheim Musical?
  5. 5.
    Command Sergeant Major
    this has three super badass sounding rank buzzwords in it, it still ends with Major, but it's a lot harder to turn this one into something derogatory. it's also one of the easier higher ranks to get (relative to General, Major, etc.)
  6. 6.
    First Lieutenant
    I mean, anything with First in the title is already doing a lot of the work communicating to the layperson exactly how cool/important you are.
  7. 7.
    Chief Warrant Officer 5
    sounds like one of those made up titles that people who work in mid-level positions at tech companies give themselves, but it still works.
  8. 8.
    Corporal
    sounds like corporeal, which is neat, but not impressive.
  9. 9.
    Colonel
    a good rank, but big points off for being pronounced nothing like it's spelled.
  10. 10.
    Private
    lowest of the ranks, and lowest in our hearts. everyone knows Private is the bottom rung of the ladder. and on top of that you have to deal with the achingly outdated Saving Private Ryan references. avoid this one if at all possible.