THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF AS CHARACTERIZED BY STARTING NFL QUARTERBACKS

  1. Denial — Mark Sanchez (Philadelphia Eagles)
    No…I can't believe it. I won't believe it. Wasn't lightning-in-bottle QB Michael Vick our starting quarterback, like, a second ago?? Or at least Nick Foles? The offense was in such good health! How could this happen?! What did we do to deserve Mark Sanchez? No. This isn't possible, it'll be an open competition come pre-season. You'll see. You'll all see! We're just fine. Nothing is wrong.
  2. Anger — Eli Manning (New York Giants)
    Are you KIDDING me?? Isn't this a***hole supposed to be good? Doesn't this d***head have more SuperBowl Rings than his unquestionably more talented older brother? How the f*** is he out there playing like this is a pickup game at a Memorial Day BBQ?! If I ever meet Archie Manning I'm gonna punch him in whichever testicle gave us Eli and not Peyton. F*** Eli Manning.
  3. Bargaining — Joe Flacco (Baltimore Ravens)
    Okay it won't be so bad, you'll see. What if we give you, like, I don't know, Ray Rice and a future first-rounder plus cash considerations? And we just throw Joe Flacco in as part of the deal. Please, don't tell me we just gave the biggest QB contract OF ALL TIME to Joe Flacco! I'll do whatever it takes, you just need to get rid of this. What about if we move the team back to Cleveland? Will you take Joe Flacco too? I'll even throw in a new stadium! PLEASE!
  4. Depression — Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers)
    …Well great. We have a top-ten quarterback and we're always in the running to win The AFC North…except that QB happens to have multiple sexual-assault allegations in addition to being an all-around douche. Is winning a silly ball game really worth overlooking all that? Is it worth compromising our very core morals? Is it?? …Well…yeah, I guess it is. …sigh…
  5. Acceptance — Tony Romo
    All right, well maybe we're never gonna be the same, and maybe we're destined to forever be an 9-7 team that gets booted in the first round of the playoffs. But you know what, we're gonna learn to live with it, we're gonna learn to love what we have and who we are now, and we're gonna make the best of things with the hand we were dealt. I guess life is just fine. I guess Tony Romo…is just fine. And hey, at least we don't have to deal with Jessica Simpson anymore.