disclaimer: I'm fine, but I had some real trouble narrowing down which jokes to use after I found myself with some unscheduled facial modifications. second disclaimer: I did use a few of these on my twitter and instagram, et al.
  1. cut myself shaving :-/
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  2. might have gone a little overboard in my Game of Thrones/Tyrion Lannister cosplay
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  3. whoa popped a wicked zit today
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  4. joined a cool new club this weekend…the first couple rules are to not talk about it, but they seem like pretty chill guys so I'm sure they won't care…
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  5. looks like someone has a case of the Mondays lol am I right?
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  6. …All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Dustin together again
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  7. "Wanna know how I got these scars?"
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  8. I woke up like dis
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  9. "when it's her time of the month but she's still about it"
    Suggested by @Samuel