THINGS YOU COULD PAY ME TO DO (NON-SEX EDITION)

I make my living during hiatus months doing freelance PA work for NBC/Universal art dept, writing for a magazine out of New York (City!), and a handful of other odd jobs…but every late summer as things go back into production (I made the final interviews for a job on Scandal, missed it by that much), there is a chance that YOU could pay me to:
  1. PA for your show/film
    this one is a bit on the nose, but basically in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I will be a production assistant on your television show. I can assist production by taking orders, making food/coffee/prop runs, laughing at your jokes, or crying about my shattered dreams in my car at the end of the day while you watch.
  2. Write for your…whatever
    do you run an online magazine? an offline magazine? a blog? a quarterly Pornhub "Best Of" recap newsletter? basically in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I will help you write for this publication, I will write funny things, true things, serious things, or let you watch while I cry about my shattered dreams in my car at the end of the day (and then write about that, if you want).
  3. Act in your mostly-non-pornographic film
    are you in need of an established, name actor, white male to play 18-25 with a great body, perfect hair, and piercing blue eyes for a role in your feature or indie film? well if those guys all cancel all you, call me! and in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I will memorize lines and blocking, repeat them back to you without looking at the camera, and give you a series of mild variations. and if you need tears for a scene, just film me alone in my car at the end of the day.
  4. Host your show or event
    do you need Joel McHale without the nagging charm, handsomeness, name recognition or pricetag? as a nominee for the Academy's lesser known "Best Stand-In, Animated Short" category, I have all the experience, improv background, tallness & laughable whiteness you could ask for in a host for your live event or The Soup/MTV News ripoff show…in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I will flood you with those talents like I flood myself with tears in my car at the end of the day.
  5. Play music in and/or tech for your band
    I've spent half my life either touring in or tech-ing for bands and I can do the same for you! need a bassist that isn't gonna get all "I think the song should go like THIS" on you? need a tech who isn't pushing for a guitar toss after every song? well in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I'll slap bass, sling merch, run tracks or be the scapegoat for that dick pic you sent out…and that soft sobbing you hear in the tour bus at the end of the day isn't coming from MY bunk ;)
  6. Or also anything else (no sex stuff)
    in exchange for a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck, I will also do literally anything else you need/want me to do, including (but not limited to) crying about my shattered dreams at the end of the day in my car while you watch.
  7. …ok sex stuff.
    fuck it, a stack of sticky singles pays rent just as effectively as a check, right? now if you'll excuse me I just need to run to my car for a moment…