SECRETS OF CANADA
Canada, ugh... Boring right? Not so fast cowboy.
- •Canada has an enormous maple syrup reserve.Canadians LOVE the sweet and sticky sap and it's also a major export for our economy so it makes sense to keep some in reserve. Incase of a bad harvest or you know terrorists attack our maple trees we have something like 11,000 gallons tucked away. After a truck full of natures perfect pancake topper was stolen from the reserves a few years ago, it's now under armed guard 24/7. Trespassers will be politely asked to leave.
- •Canada has the largest concentration of snakes anywhere in the world.It's Indiana Jones worst nightmare, walk into a cave and then suddenly SNAKES! Loads of em'! How many snakes are we talking about? 10,000. Yes 10,000. Every winter in Manitoba Garter snakes slither in droves into the same cave to hibernate for the winter. They spend the freezing months huddled together for a little warmth. Crazy right? What's crazier is what happens with the spring thaw. You guessed it, a massive snake orgy, where they interlock into what they call "Breeding balls". Sexy
- •There are more Canadians living in Southern California then there are in Toronto (population 4.5 MM)CAUSE IT'S FUCKING COLD UP HERE AND SOME FOLKS ARE SMART AND GO TO WHERE ITS NOT FUCKING COLD. Who needs water right?
- •A Canadian invented BasketballSome professor dude hung up a basket and then and did granny shots into it and you Americans fucking flipped for it. It's popularly referred to as "NOT HOCKEY" in Canada.
- •Canada burned down the WhitehouseIn 1812 'Merica thought southern Ontario was pretty great and wanted it for themselves. War, Americas favorite pastime, erupted on the border. After a push to take Fort York (now Toronto) failed, Canada had enough. They fought back the attacking Yanks, chased them across Lake Ontario, and kept on marching to Washington where we burned down your presidents residence before going home. A new house had to be built and was painted White, unlike its soot covered predecessor. Hence the Whitehouse.
- •Famous Chicago gangster Al Capone had operations in Saskatoon Saskatchewan.During prohibition Al Capone ran his booze from Saskatoon Saskatchewan right straight down to Chicago, making that syphlitic nut bar mob boss exceedingly rich as well as many Canadians. The biggest benefactor? The Seagrams family who brewed the whiskey and because of high prices due to prohibition, the Seagrams became, and still are, one of the richest families in the country.
- •We play golf at midnight.Well we can. Is it because our universal healthcare gives us exceedingly good night vision? No, it's because in the North West Territories and the Yukon, it's so far north that in summer they have 24 hours of day light. And what are you going to do when the suns out and all the bars are closed? Why not hit the links and play a few rounds. Biggest draw back? 24 hours of darkness in the winter and piles of snow. So better get those rounds in, in June and July.
- •You can reach Climax by just driving in the province of Saskatchewan.And people do it everyday. It's not because Saskatchewan is flat and boring that you find exciting ways to entertain yourself while driving, no. It's because they named a town Climax. It may be the only time in your life where your GPS system alerts you when you're reaching Climax.
- •We fucking love slurpees from 7-ElevenYou think Canadians would be sick and tired of slush and ice. Apparently not if you add gobs of sugar. Canadians consume more slushies and slurpees per capita than any other country. The biggest consumer Winnipeg Manitoba, which is nicknamed "Winterpeg" by the rest of us because it's so freaking cold. Maybe they're just used to the brain freeze.
- •The people of Newfoundland named a town Dildo.They did. They honestly did. We don't really know why and the rest of us don't really understand our unique coastal brethren to the east. Their weird. Have funny accents (yes even to us, no doubt aboot it eh?) and they named a town Dildo. Way to go Newfoundland. Way to go.