1. On the driver's side
  2. Whatever way Google maps says is fastest
  3. From behind and with stealth when it least suspects
  4. With the door ajar and an HR officer present
  5. On my knees
  6. About 15 min after it gets home from a few drinks with friends
  7. With my hands firmly in aight
  8. Slowly and without making eye contact while making myself appear as big as possible
  9. With a sad knowing smile, raw cookie dough, and a box of Kleenex
  10. Down wind
  11. From the left
  12. Coming in low with my nose high
  13. In a tux, one arm extended, and fingers flexed a la Bela Lugosi
  14. When I'm confident I won't cry or use foul language
  15. After 4th period at its locker when it's away from its "cool" friends