How to be Fashionable

  1. Decide to buy new clothes because a lot of people have been asking you if you're a writer lately and that's never been a good sign.
  2. Go to Google, type in "places to buy pants", pause for a second and add "nice" in before pants.
  3. Delete the nice, you're not made of money.
  4. Become overwhelmed with the amount of places to buy pants.
  5. How many places could there possibly be to buy pants?
  6. I mean, they're just pants.
  7. Convince yourself that you don't need new pants. This is stupid.
  8. Close your laptop, open your closet and take stock.
  9. Jesus that's a lot of holes.
  10. Aren't holes in style though?
  11. Don't some people pay lots of money for pants that come with holes?
  12. Maybe you can sell your pre-holed pants for a lot of money.
  13. Someone out there must be stupid enough to buy those.
  14. Is that a coffee stain? When did you spill coffee on your—oh that's right that date.
  15. That date sucked.
  16. She was nice, you know, but the date sucked.
  17. You sucked.
  18. You suck.
  19. You're going to die alone.
  20. Nobody will come to your funeral.
  21. They'll bury you in a plywood box wearing Swiss cheese jeans and a Batman t-shirt you still have from when you were twelve.
  22. Yelp says good things about this place downtown so off you go!
  23. Park outside the store.
  24. Spend an unreasonable amount of time sitting in your car worrying you're going to get "Pretty Womaned".
  25. That was a good movie.
  26. You should watch that movie later.
  27. Be nice to watch it with someone, though.
  28. But you can't ask someone to do that.
  29. If you ask someone to watch a movie these days that just sounds like you want to have sex.
  30. I mean, sex would be great.
  31. Remember sex.
  32. Don't cry.
  33. Don't cry.
  34. Don't cry here.
  35. Walk in and start to look at options.
  36. Oh wow, these are all very nice.
  37. This one looks good.
  38. Check the price tag.
  39. Gently fall into a panic attack.
  40. That's more money than you make in a week.
  41. Someone asks if you need help.
  42. Take a brief moment to be proud that you didn't get Pretty Womaned.
  43. Maybe you don't look that bad.
  44. If this guy thinks you can buy pants here then maybe you're ok after all.
  45. "Are you a writer?"
  46. You have to buy these pants and you have to buy them now.
  47. Pick a couple pairs and try them on.
  48. The salesman says you look handsome.
  49. Consider homosexuality.
  50. No, no, you've been down that road before. You're not gay.
  51. I mean, you're pretty sure.
  52. Sexuality is kind of a spectrum.
  53. But you made out with a guy in college and it really wasn't for you.
  54. Then again he didn't say you were handsome.
  55. But flattery isn't a form of sexual attraction.
  56. That doesn't mean anything a lot of times.
  57. Plus this guy is trying to make a sale.
  58. It's like thinking a stripper actually likes you.
  59. Not that that doesn't happen but it's super rare.
  60. And would you want to date a stripper?
  61. Feel bad about how judgy that feels.
  62. You're a feminist, come on.
  63. Everyone is allowed to do whatever they want with their bodies.
  64. How dare you.
  65. How. Dare. You.
  66. "What kind of stuff do you write?"
  67. Buy the pants.
  68. Go home.
  69. Look at yourself in the mirror for a long time.
  70. You're not bad.
  71. These are nice pants.
  72. You're worthless.
  73. Go out on the town!
  74. Walk into a bar, take a seat and order a beer.
  75. Wait for someone to compliment your pants.
  76. Realize that maybe nobody is going to say anything because you're sitting down and your new pants are hidden.
  77. Stand up and lean awkwardly on the bar.
  78. A bartender moves you because you're at the servers station.
  79. Move.
  80. Make eye contact with everyone.
  81. Realize you're leaning on a garbage can.
  82. Wonder if you should text the coffee stain girl.
  83. No, that's stupid. Don't do that.
  84. Sent.
  85. Wait.
  86. Wait.
  87. Wait.
  88. Check for a response.
  89. Turn the phone on airplane mode and then off to reset your reception.
  90. Still nothing.
  91. Close your tab and see if Pretty Woman is in Amazon.
  92. It is. Score.
  93. Take your wallet out of your pocket and feel something else in there.
  94. Is that...
  95. Oh come on.
  96. Fuck off.
  97. Is that the pocket button?
  98. That came off already?
  99. Go home. Put on sweats. Fall asleep to Julia Roberts weird laughter.