THE TIMES THAT HAVING A WEIRDLY STRONG MORAL COMPASS HAS NOT WORKED OUT IN MY FAVOR (PT. 1)

  1. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on orphaned baby squirrels not once but TWICE.
  2. A door-to-door salesman once stole my umbrella
    It was raining really hard and he asked if he could borrow an umbrella and that "he'd bring it back"
  3. One time I helped a white supremacist figure out where the KKK was meeting.
    I'm not a white supremacist and am actually very liberal so this was awkward and annoying to say the least
  4. I let this kid named Stephen borrow my favorite pencil in second grade and he lost it
    IT CHANGED COLORS WHEN YOU TOUCHED IT
  5. I drove this random woman to a McDonald's like 20 minutes away because "her sister had had a heart attack while there" but then there was NO SISTER TO BE FOUND and I ended up buying the woman a meal
    The moral of that story is to learn how to say "no" every once in a damn while.
  6. When I was 3 this kid in my daycare colored on one of those magnedoodle things with a crayon and the daycare worker was really mad about it and asked who had done it and I said that I did it even though I didn't because I didn't want the other kid to get in trouble at home