Things to consider when driving down the I-5

This is a long and boring drive requiring careful planning and a certain amount of dice rolling. Here are some things I think about when making this drive
  1. Will I be able to make it to In n Out?
    When was the last time I ate? Will I be able to survive on hot Cheetos and iced tea till Kettleman City? Or am I going to break down and get some lesser burger sooner.
  2. What is the audio situation?
    I, like many, have come to rely on streaming audio content. Like the flow of mana from God, Spotify sustains. BUT This is the Central Valley, bitch. Cell phone service? Nope. None of that. But what about radio? Do you enjoy Christian radio and country music? Cuz I sure as shit don't. Plan ahead. Down load every thing you could want. Podcasts. Albums. Play lists. Or, if you are a pro, you get an audible account and down load some books. Audio books can get you through a lot.
  3. How many stops do you REALLY want to make?
    Driving during the day or night is your biggest factor here. If it is day time and my dog is not with me, one stop for gas and to pee. THAT IS IT! If it is at night, I stop every hour or so to stretch my legs and wake up. Safety first, mother fuckers. If my dog is with me I stop to let him pee and bark at truckers. It's what makes him happy.
  4. How are your car dancing moves?
    Car dancing is my jam. I love it. It makes a terrible day great. I have several songs ready to go at all times for just such occasions. If you are a lover of car dancing, the I-5 if your wonder land. Have some bangers ready to drop.
  5. When will you be driving through LA
    Doesn't matter if it is your destination or your starting point or just a place you are passing through, LA can fuck you if you are not careful. Is it a holiday weekend? Rush hour? Is there some sort of sporting event? Has Ragnarök finally started? All things to consider when trying to plan your passage through the city of angels. Also, just avoid the 405 if you can.
  6. Will there be parking when you arrive?
    Didn't think about that, did you. Well when you are driving and your distinction is an exotic local like WeHo or SF, street parking is going to be a hassle. And I don't mean like you are going to be a little frustrated. I mean a hassle like you have just spent 6 hours in a car that smells like cow shit and you have been circling for 20 minutes and you are about the kill that fucking hipster who has been sitting in his Toyota idling while he texts his bros and all you want to do is park and die.
  7. Do you know where all the feed lots are?
    There used to be only one. Now there are, what seems to me anyways, over 100. In truth there are probably only four or five. But how ever many there are, if you have your AC blasting (and you will be) when you drive past one of these literal shit heaps, your car is going to smell like RIPE manure for about 45 minutes. Long enough to have the smell renewed by the next feed lot in line.