Inspired by @laur
  1. Filch
    The only pussy you're getting is Mrs. Norris
  2. Gildoroy Lockhart
    You would be the guy sending dick pics and saying how good in bed you are - but once it comes time to have sex you would freak out and find an excuse to leave.
  3. Cornelius Fudge
    You're so dull and easily persuaded. I would have to wait for you to take off layers of old man clothes for a purely missionary experience.
  4. Voldemort
    Dude are you even living? Or am I fuckin a horcrux.
  5. Professor Quierrel
    You'd be naked and only wearing your turban which would seem concerning especially when your turban keeps saying "ouch!"
  6. Umbridge
    You would always want it on the rag - your obsession with blood, am I right?
  7. Percy Weasley
    You would need it to be done one way and have ocd about the whole thing. I just picture this being boring as hell.
  8. Crabbe & Goyle
    You are both the definition of what a thumb thumb (spy kids) in person form is. No thanks.
  9. Peeves
    You would finish in 30 seconds - also EWW.
  10. Vernon Dursley
    You're described as having no neck and honestly your offspring proves your inability to produce properly. I feel like you just did Aunt Petunia doggy style once and that was that.
  11. Peter Pettigrew
    Could turn into a rat at a moments notice. That hand. Gave up James and Lily.
    Suggested by @laur
  12. Rita Skeeter
    Everyone would know about it the next day.
    Suggested by @laur