A DAILY NEGOTIATION

  1. Me: *wakes up, looks through phone in bed for 30 minutes, debates putting on make up for the day (decides against), gets up, brushes teeth*
  2. Anxiety: Hey, sorry I'm late.
  3. Me: Oh, hey Anxiety. Sorry, I guess I forgot to mention, but you didn't actually have to come in today. I cleared up a bunch of concerns last night, you can take the day off!
  4. Anxiety: Oh, okay. That's cool.
  5. Anxiety: ...
  6. Anxiety: but I did drive all the way here.
  7. Me: What?
  8. Anxiety: It's just that...I drove all the way here and I came ready for the day, ya know?
  9. Me: But...there's really nothing for you to do here today. I had a good night last night.
  10. Anxiety: Yeah, I know, I'm just saying I already have my schedule written up and everything. It kind of just feels like a huge waste of time if I leave now, ya know what I mean?
  11. Me: Ummm...okay. I guess you can stay. But I'm really gonna need you to take a backseat.
  12. Anxiety: Aw, thanks so much! Don't worry, today's just gonna be small-scale projects. Maybe some mood swings around lunch. And possibly you'll remember something that happened 8 months ago that made you really mad and you just won't be able to stop thinking about it.
  13. Me: Alright, whatever. Just please keep it quiet, I have to get a lot done today.
  14. Anxiety: Like what?
  15. Me:..exams.
  16. Anxiety: Perfect! I have some panic attacks left over in my bag-
  17. Me: No, no, no, no. Anxiety, listen to me, just busy work today, okay? Seriously, if you could stick to, like, over-eating and fatigue, that'd be great.
  18. Anxiety: What about random tears?
  19. Me: I'd really rather you not.
  20. Anxiety: I mean I have these panic attacks piling up AND these random tears, and they're really cluttering up my work space. Gotta get rid of something...
  21. Me: Alright, fine, I can take some of those random tears off your hands tonight. Just nothing that interferes with my exams, okay?
  22. Anxiety: Whatever you say, "chief".
  23. Me: What was that?
  24. Anxiety: What?
  25. Me: What you just said.
  26. Anxiety: I forget.
  27. Me: It sounded like you were being sarcastic.
  28. Anxiety: Sarcastic? Me? Noooo.
  29. Me: You made air quotes.
  30. Anxiety: Honestly, I don't remember.
  31. Me: Anxiety, please. I don't want to have to take disciplinary action. Casual Fridays are a privilege, not a right.
  32. Anxiety: Don't worry! I said small scale projects and some random tears tonight! Nothing else! Trust me...Oh look, almost time for that first exam.
  33. Me: Yeah, I see that. Alright, it's time for me to focus. Talk to you after class, Anxiety.
  34. Anxiety: Okay, yeah, you'll be seeing me "after" class.
  35. Anxiety: