Actual Excuses from English 101 Students

I teach English 101. Many of my students work harder on their excuses than anything else.
  1. Student: "I haven't written any of my essays all semester because I like to work under pressure." Me: "No, you actually don't like to work at all."
  2. Student: "I have missed six classes because I am just really tired, so can I make up my work?" Me: "I am too tired to grade your make up work."
  3. Student: "I missed my final exam because you didn't make it clear as to when the actual date of the final was." Me: "I sent out 11 email reminders. Did you check your email?" Student: "The last thing I want to do when I get home is check my email." Me: "The last thing I want to do right now is listen to you talk."
  4. Student: "I didn't plagiarize! My mom wrote it for me."