Weirdest Things About Disney According to a Grown Man

I am at Disney World with Doug, as a present for his 40th. We are not crazy Disney people that wear Mickey T-shirts in any way. I actually was only here once when I was 19 and was so high the entire time I don't remember much. But I wanted to take Doug for an early 40th celebration because he loved it as a kid. We have had fun and learned a lot.
  1. It is definitely a part of the Disney corporate culture to have employees not really answer any questions with a direct and succinct answer.
  2. People treat vacations as a time when they can just cut loose and act all kinds of fools. Even when they are on a line of 6 zillion sweaty people with no personal space. They hoot. They holler. They lean. They eat. They FaceTime with Great Aunt Helen.
  3. Space Mountain is the best ride ever made. Period. Especially when you ride at 1AM and are deliriously tired. I told Doug I thought it was peaceful.
  4. Perhaps my definition of "peace" should be examined.
  5. People are gross.
  6. People are mean.
  7. There's a new cute little bear named "Duffy" that is dressed like a sailor and that Disney is pushing. Hard. Minnie made him for Mickey to keep him company on a world expedition. Apparently Duffy returns with a Japanese Hello Kitty-esque lady friend, still to be announced. And a case of the clap.
  8. Doug does not approve of Duffy.
  9. After I almost throttled a line attendant for not letting me bring coffees on an interminable line for me and Doug, and threw them away in front of her in a histrionic flourish, I found true solace in hating the 16-year-old Christian campers in front of me on line.
  10. Gary Sinise's eyebrows are on fleek.
  11. The Brown Derby at Hollywood Studio is my new definition of calm within the storm.
  12. Tiki decor makes life feel real nice, man.
  13. A handful of Jelly Bellies, eaten one at a time to savor each nuanced flavor makes for a buzzy, glorious 20 or so minutes where you really get some shit done. But it ain't so pretty on the other side.