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  1. That one - the woman - in the book with the handsome man and they fall in love but it's old times so they don't say anything.
  2. He's a lord or a duke or something and he has a bunch of kids and a storm and poking eyes out and something like that.
  3. She's like married and then, you know, trouble. And there's a train, I think.
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  1. (Needless to say) Meryl Streep
  2. James Earl Jones
  3. Bryan Cranston
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  1. Yes, he's hot but what was I planning to do with this? (And, no, not hot enough...the ill-considered tan lines disqualify him from further consideration.)
  2. The Hitler mustache?
  3. I *live* this! I do not need a picture.
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Iceland is now (relatively) affordable. Go, but be advised...
  1. Wow Airlines is okay, but $15 for a cup 'o ramen?! (Okay, it did come with a flavour pack.)
  2. It costs. Everything. Big time.
  3. Outdoor public pools are open - even when it's 8°C (about 47° F) outside.
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I've had four dogs. (There seemed to have been dozens when I was a child but they all seemed to find themselves at some farm, running free.) My own four dogs - Buddy, Kitoune, Cosmo and Leo (which I adore) - have taught me one thing: they're utterly useless. Here's why, from evidence I've collected.
  1. Here's my first, Buddy, who looks really wonderful, doesn't he? But this is actually a picture from a magazine article about me that he insisted on horning in on. Do you think anyone who saw the picture remembers me? No fucking way! This dog was mentioned in virtually every article written about me.
  2. This is Buddy, again. I could not get away from him - even for a nice hot bath. Love? No. Jealous possessiveness - as in: Are you in here alone or is there some bitch here with you?
  3. Voilà Kitoune, the day I "rescued" her and brought her home to Buddy. From the 1st day I knew she shouldn't have the name I gave her (a character in one of my plays) - Miss Pissy would have been better. She was the last dog at the pound; doomed to annihilation. It's pure softness on my part that found her in my tub. LOOK AT THE FUCKING WATER!!
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I use comedy recordings to get through shit (hospitals, doing groceries). These are people whose recordings I've listened to over a dozen times each.
  1. Patton Oswalt
    I was introduced to him with Werewolves and Lollipops and he has just gotten better since. Insanely intelligent while still smacking you in your sense of silliness.(Favored topic: his weight)
  2. Maria Bamford
    Pure genius. Even the ad libs and throwaways are hilarious. You will love her mother who makes frequent appearances in her comedy. (Favored topic: her mental health)
  3. Louis CK
    Not much argument about his work except from the people he pokes at which is pretty much all of us. (Favoured topic: his kids)
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  1. The minute I got off the bus a nice-faced man offered to help with my suitcase and take me to my hotel. How nice, I thought, until we got there, I was surrounded by six of his friends and we negotiated his $50 bill down to $20 with me reminding the assembly I was only 15.
  2. I went into a peepshow and the cashier was yelling at two guys to get back into the booth as the blowjob they were performing had tumbled into public view.
  3. Porn. Everywhere. Women with animals. Men with animals. "Barbra Streisand" giving a blowjob. Ask and you shall receive.
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  1. A tray of fried chicken fell on the floor, rolled under the warmer, was retrieved and sold.
  2. A guy dropped a ladle in the chip frier and without thinking went for it. Hospital-burns. We didn't change the fat.
  3. We knew people showing up at 3am were drunk so we'd eat the fourth quarter of their club sandwich and bury the rest in fries.
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My friend, an SPCA Jack Russell
  1. Yodeling reaction
  2. Sadness
  3. Leo eats garbage, gets sick, eats...
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