How to Get a Cool Nickname

in just eleven easy steps
  1. 1.
    Get new job or enroll in new school.
  2. 2.
    Tell no one your real name; when they ask, just shrug your shoulders like you're over it and walk away.
  3. 3.
    Get a T-shirt with the word "BUTTERSCOTCH" on it, wear it all the time.
  4. 4.
    Accentuate your mystique by going to happy hours/house parties, getting seen, then leaving before anyone can introduce themselves to you.
  5. 5.
    After every lunch, make a big deal out of pouring lots of butterscotch onto your ice cream. Just make it disgusting with butterscotch.
  6. 6.
    Have anonymous one-night stands with coworkers/fellow students to spread your brand; if partner asks your name afterwards, give him/her a sultry look and say "It's hotter not knowing." Also, try to work butterscotch into the sex.
  7. 7.
    Remember the shirt? Keep riding that horse hard.
  8. 8.
    At concerts/sporting events, lap butterscotch straight out of the jar like an animal.
  9. 9.
  10. 10.
    Keep it up for nine months. Don't get diabetes.
  11. 11.
    Congratulations! Enjoy your new nickname, "Psycho Freak".