If Coen Brothers Movies Were Coworkers
Disclaimer: any similarity to any of my actual coworkers is entirely coincidental.
- •Fargo = Janice in payrollMidwestern accent, sweaters with hearts on them, cat posters everywhere. Makes you sign every goddamn birthday card, even the people you don't know. Disappears mysteriously, after which her husband's remains are found in her basement in 144 canning jars labeled with his name.
- •O Brother, Where Art Thou? = old GusBeen at the company forever. Eats his cucumber sandwich lunch on the park bench and feeds the pigeons. Lots of folksy sayings. Everyone secretly goes to him for advice on personal matters. A little weird about his pomade.
- •Raising Arizona = Tammy, the receptionistCute and trashy. Gets emotional about the problems of the Kardashians. Boyfriend an unemployed mooch. Her thong always rides a little higher than the top of her skirt. Walked into a glass door once. The nerdy guys all have a crush on her.
- •The Hudsucker Proxy = Ted's new adminYou know, the new kid? Rides a bicycle to work and wears the sweater vests? Always says "neato" and "jiminy crackers"? Yeah, I hate that fucker too.
- •The Big Lebowski = TopherHe actually got fired years ago, but he still shows up at the company picnic and plays guitar. Sometimes he'll be sitting out in the parking lot at five o'clock with a six-pack to see if anyone wants to go play foosball, and you're like, well, obviously.
- •Inside Llewyn Davis = Damien from salesWingtips, tight pants, lumberjack beard. Every girl in the office has gone on exactly one date with him and no more. Is a prick to everyone because he thinks his band is going to take off any minute now.
- •True Grit = Kendra from marketingThat super-intense twenty-five-year-old chick that everyone is afraid of. She will call you out on every iota of your bullshit, but you secretly kiss the ground she walks on because she's really smart and she does all the work.
- •Barton Fink = Don from accountingOh shit oh shit please don't let him sit down here I just wanna eat my lunch in peace no shit no no no no god dammit nooooo heyyyyyy Donnnn, yeah, sure, pull up a chair, buddy.
- •Miller's Crossing = Mr. O'ShaughnessyThe boss. Smooth as fuck. Office is full of old-timey pictures of racehorses. He'll say nothing for a whole meeting and then finally at the very end he'll growl just one word and you're like, shit, am I even a real man at all?
- •No Country for Old Men = Victor from the mail room"Do I need to sign for this?" "I don't know, do you … friend-o?" "Wait, what?"