Imaginary Clickbait Titles That Would Be Just Weird Enough to Pique My Interest

You like how I used "pique" correctly in a sentence, don't you? Don't worry — that will be our little secret. *touches hand*
  1. The Scottish Air Force got drunk and threw this grade-schooler over a fence. Here's how she got her revenge.
  2. When you see what these former child stars look like now, you'll set fire to a church and fight the police
    Do I get to pick the church?
  3. This soldier hijacked an Iraqi jet ski to attend his girlfriend's senior prom, and you won't believe the bullshit song they danced to
  4. Elderly people in your area are outraged by Obama's new country music album and you'll never guess why
  5. A hungry porcupine put all his eggs in one basket and this is exactly why everyone tells you not to do that
  6. You'll never believe the revealing lobster costume this woman fit into after having twelve children in a row
  7. What your choice of single-malt scotch says about your insecurities as a man and how to up the ante with negative-one-malt scotch
  8. Roller derby was never more popular than when these plucky ladies invented this two-minute trick
  9. Get a ripped six-pack and also grow two extra bones when you're bombarded with these brand-new high-intensity electromagnetic mystery waves
  10. These extreme animal pals worked together to escape a zoo, so fuck you San Diego
  11. The Taliban stole this face cream from NASA and the U.S. Government is officially losing its shit
    probably made of comets amirite
  12. Guess which of your friends aced this quiz about what dick tastes like