1. They're too distraught over Atticus Finch being a racist.
  2. They've switched back to a flip phone and forgot to delete their profile.
  3. They're preoccupied volunteering for Donald Trump's campaign.
  4. They died.
  5. Inside Out made them overly emotional.
  6. They lost their thumb in a folding chair accident and are relearning to type on a touchscreen.
  7. They never existed and I'm in a 6th Sense reality.
  8. They joined Jews for Jesus.
  9. They're slowly working their way through Marcia Gay Harden filmography.
  10. They're convinced the NSA is reading their Tinder messages.
  11. They work for the NSA.
  12. They're Edward Snowden.
  13. OMG maybe he's Edward Snowden.
  14. I'm moving to Russia.