EXPRESSING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT MY PAIN (NO NEED TO READ THIS - IT'S FOR ME)
Oh Universe or Multiverse, I experience chronic pain in my back and legs and now I also have pain down my right arm and in my neck from cervical radiculopathy (a pinched nerve in the neck)
- •This is one of those nights when I feel like I can't take this. It's just too hard.
- •I have enough of a grip on my emotions not to take my own life at this time, but how I wish I had the strength to do so.
- •It's too much pain, three out of four limbs, and one of them is my dominant arm.
- •My body is weary from sleep deprivation, fighting the impulse to cry out in the middle of the night, and the constant never-ending suffering. No matter how much I try to let it go, to learn to live with it, to be gracious in my struggle, I end up with nights like this, asking "Why me?" and drowning in my own tears of self-pity.
- •Is life random and I just drew a bad hand, or does everything happen for a reason? Did I do something so awful that I deserve this? Is it unfair or just unlucky? How can I not wonder?
- •At one time I would write a list like this and put it in drafts, never to be seen by others. Or if I sent it out to Li.st I would expect a handful of people to read it. I worried less about hurting or worrying others.
- •Now I resist letting it out because I have friends here. Please do not worry about me. I always bounce back. I guess I am strong enough even though I feel so weak and lost and lonely right now. It is temporary. Time heals. I can handle it. I just don't want to anymore.
- •I AM JUST SO SICK OF THIS PAIN! I AM SUFFERING AND CRYING! I WANT RELIEF! WILL I EVER SLEEP PEACEFULLY AND WAKE UP WITHOUT PAIN?!?! IS THERE ETERNAL LIFE? WILL I BE AT PEACE OR WILL I SUFFER ENDLESSLY?!?! I NEED HELP TO TAKE THIS!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
- •Shouting is impolite yet I feel I have to shout. I need to shout. I am so done! I want to be over it! I am so sick of it!
- •I feel a little better now. I let it out. Please forgive my weakness, selfish focus on myself, and lack of grace. I try but actions are more important than intentions. I know this. I can do better.
- •Should I hit send?
- •If I do, please don't feel you have to comment.
- •I know you are there, listening patiently with loving kindness for me.
- •I love you so much...
- •Addendum: Well it's about four or five hours later and I slept for a few of those. The pain is less intense. I made it through another night and today is another day. Sending love to each of you who read this before the pain let up @pili_ervin @jhope71 @Boogie @hillary79 @elmospimpingme @jenjea @plaidflannel @NicoleO