EXPRESSING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT MY PAIN (NO NEED TO READ THIS - IT'S FOR ME)

Oh Universe or Multiverse, I experience chronic pain in my back and legs and now I also have pain down my right arm and in my neck from cervical radiculopathy (a pinched nerve in the neck)
  1. This is one of those nights when I feel like I can't take this. It's just too hard.
  2. I have enough of a grip on my emotions not to take my own life at this time, but how I wish I had the strength to do so.
  3. It's too much pain, three out of four limbs, and one of them is my dominant arm.
  4. My body is weary from sleep deprivation, fighting the impulse to cry out in the middle of the night, and the constant never-ending suffering. No matter how much I try to let it go, to learn to live with it, to be gracious in my struggle, I end up with nights like this, asking "Why me?" and drowning in my own tears of self-pity.
  5. Is life random and I just drew a bad hand, or does everything happen for a reason? Did I do something so awful that I deserve this? Is it unfair or just unlucky? How can I not wonder?
  6. At one time I would write a list like this and put it in drafts, never to be seen by others. Or if I sent it out to Li.st I would expect a handful of people to read it. I worried less about hurting or worrying others.
  7. Now I resist letting it out because I have friends here. Please do not worry about me. I always bounce back. I guess I am strong enough even though I feel so weak and lost and lonely right now. It is temporary. Time heals. I can handle it. I just don't want to anymore.
  8. I AM JUST SO SICK OF THIS PAIN! I AM SUFFERING AND CRYING! I WANT RELIEF! WILL I EVER SLEEP PEACEFULLY AND WAKE UP WITHOUT PAIN?!?! IS THERE ETERNAL LIFE? WILL I BE AT PEACE OR WILL I SUFFER ENDLESSLY?!?! I NEED HELP TO TAKE THIS!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
  9. Shouting is impolite yet I feel I have to shout. I need to shout. I am so done! I want to be over it! I am so sick of it!
  10. I feel a little better now. I let it out. Please forgive my weakness, selfish focus on myself, and lack of grace. I try but actions are more important than intentions. I know this. I can do better.
  11. Should I hit send?
  12. If I do, please don't feel you have to comment.
  13. I know you are there, listening patiently with loving kindness for me.
  14. I love you so much...
  15. Addendum: Well it's about four or five hours later and I slept for a few of those. The pain is less intense. I made it through another night and today is another day. Sending love to each of you who read this before the pain let up @pili_ervin @jhope71 @Boogie @hillary79 @elmospimpingme @jenjea @plaidflannel @NicoleO