HELLO MY LIST FRIENDS!

I haven't been on list as much ever since the last update. (Bad news and depressing- trigger warning)
  1. First the algorithm changed everything about the feed and I had trouble of finding people that I already knew.
  2. Then I noticed I wasn't really meeting very many new people anymore
  3. And finally taking away the drafts makes it difficult for me to list because sometimes I was writing one up for a long time before I actually published.
  4. Then we came out to California and I got sick with the flu, my asthma flared up, and I developed pneumonia. I could rarely get on when I was sick.
  5. My mental focus is very short, I have trouble finishing anything I start, and I keep repeating myself.
  6. So at this current time I definitely have asthma, multiple allergies (sulfa drugs, aspirin, all the NSAIDs, shellfish, tomatoes, strawberries, apples, bananas, and Latex) Celiac disease, Reynaud's disease, hypertension, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, nocturnal hypoxia (I need oxygen at night).
  7. Spinal stenosis, nerve damage to both legs, my lower back, and my right arm resulting in difficult and painful mobility, and muscle weakness. Recently I developed difficulty swallowing so there are many textures of foods that lead to a lot of coughing. Sometimes it gets into my lungs and I developed areas of inflammation in my lungs.
  8. To try to treat all this I am on about 10 or 12 medications, oxygen at night, nebulizer treatments when needed, and I had a stimulator implanted in my back with wires on my spine that can help interrupt the pain impulses periodically. Oh I almost forgot I have major depression and general anxiety mental illnesses too.
  9. This is difficult for anyone to go through and I have written many lists about my pain and difficulties. I do have a few hours each day that aren't too bad and during that time I do enjoy the present.
  10. Until three years ago I worked in healthcare for 40 years. I had two wonderful career is in healthcare; the first 20 years as a respiratory therapist and the last 20 as a registered nurse. I developed my potential in each career starting with an Associates degree and working up until I accomplished a masters degree in each.
  11. In each career I had many accomplishments, taught patients in healthcare settings, and taught students in colleges and universities. I have experience in every kind of critical care unit you can think of (NICU, PICU, CCU, CVICU, MICU, SICU, Burn, Transplant, Neuro, Trauma, and more!) I lived a very full life and helped many people.
  12. I have also been well-loved by my wonderful husband, my daughter, my grandchildren, my extended family, and my friends. I have read hundreds (thousands maybe) of books, traveled all over the United States and the world, and have been a lifelong learner.
  13. I had a very rough start in life. My father had been married before for 20 years and never had children with his first wife. They were very social, traveled well, had lots of friends, and he seemed to have had a wonderful life until she unfortunately died of tuberculosis.
  14. I believe he was only a shell of himself when he married my mother who was 19 years younger than him. They had three children, me of course, and my two older brothers, my parents were cold and distant with each other.
  15. My mother was often very depressed and distant. Neither she nor my father ever hugged me, kissed me or told me that they loved me. This did not occur with each other or with my brothers either. My mother abused me emotionally and mentally and she physically neglected all three of us.
  16. And my brother abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally and was enabled by my mother. She told me terrible things about my father all my life that I found out later we're not true. I ran away from home three times. Not one person ever attempted to help me. Then I became pregnant at age 17 and my parents gave me away to social service
  17. Social services realized that by the time my daughter was born I would be 18 and I would age out of the system when I was still pregnant. So instead of putting me with a family they put me in a shelter run by The Salvation Army for poverty-stricken pregnant girls who had nowhere else to go.
  18. I had nothing to do there but think and after many hours of looking out the window and self-reflection I came to understand my situation better and I mapped out a plan to be able to go back to my parents' house and grovel to them long enough to get some kind of job training so I could move out.
  19. I'm going to skip the sad story of enduring that time and protecting my baby while I still needed them and just move forward to let you know that somehow I survived all that and managed to be a good person. I shielded my daughter and loved her completely. I taught my family what love looked like.
  20. During my teens I was raped by a stranger Who picked me up hitchhiking and I was gang raped by three or four guys I sort of knew who must've drugged me although I don't know if they did that back then. I only know that I was very dizzy and confusedand physically unable to resist them.
  21. I remember one of them apologizing to me. They were all in another room and came in one at a time. The one that apologized said he would never have done this but his friends expected him to. During my early 20s I was sexually assaulted by various men who who were in positions of authority in college and at the hospital.
  22. The sexual assaults were stopped by me because I was stronger and better able to understand and defend myself. However this was in the 60s and 70s and I never reported any of them.
  23. Let's move onto the present. When I get back to Colorado we are going to make an appointment to have me tested for Alzheimer's disease. My mother and two of her sisters had Alzheimer's disease. My mother's only became obvious in the last few years of her life. She actually died of a stroke. Both my aunts died from it, one very early in her 60s.
  24. I have known I am struggling for a while but my husband, daughter, and brother (yes I actually forgave him and my mother) have been blaming it on my medications for a while now. They were all in denial.
  25. Now that I am weaned off quite a few medications and we are in a rental home spending literally 24 hours a day together, it became more clear to my husband. We went through the 10 signs of Alzheimer's on their website and my husband and I agree that I have 5 of 10 symptoms on the screening list. The instructions say to be tested if you have one!
  26. If I do have Alzheimer's I will let you know and then close my account. I need to share right now and let this out and also tell my authentic story. So many people know nothing about my life before age 25. And when we moved far away from my childhood neighborhood where I knew no one, I intentionally lost touch with lots of people.
  27. I do not have my maiden name on FB and use an "alias" here. Social media makes it difficult to make a clean break from people you'd rather not see. When I left NJ 25 years ago it was much easier
  28. I love this anonymous place and love so many of you. If you read my list all the way to here, can you please keep me in your thoughts, and if you're a believer could you please pray for me right now? I don't want another bad diagnosis. Never before in my life have I asked anyone except my husband to pray for me.
  29. I just don't have the strength to cope with anything else