The Most Absurd Lyrics From Christmas Songs
Most songs seem to have one or two lines that seem a little strange, but Xmas songs take the cake. I think we give them a pass because they're Christmas songs, but they can't from me.
- •"Christmas comes this time each year."Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys No shit Christmas comes this time each year. How long did it take you to realize that? It's not like the "cold sore" you sometimes get because you made out with that stranger you met at a bar ten years ago. It's on December 25th. Write that into your song and maybe you won't forget.
- •"There'll be scary ghost stories And tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year Andy Williams. Who in the hell tells ghost stories at Christmas? This guy has his holidays mixed up, but at least he realizes when "the most wonderful time of the year" is.
- •"The ox and lamb kept time, pa rump pumLittle Drummer Boy Hmmm, the visual of an ox and lamb holding a metronome and tapping along to this little boy playing the drum is pretty hilarious, but it's an absurd line for the song.
- •"Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet.."Jingle Bell Rock. Jingling feet? Come on, man. You're better than that.
- •"And mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again."It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. Your parents like the look of Christmas but they hate looking at your smug little faces. The rest of the song is really upbeat and happy so I'm chalking this one up to a Freudian slip by Meredith Wilson who wrote the lyrics.
- •"In the meadow we can build a snowman And pretend that he is Parson Brown He'll say are you married We'll say No Man But you can do the job When you're in town"Winter Wonderland This one is my all-time favorite. Let me get this straight. You and your girlfriend go make a snowman, pretend he is someone named Parson Brown, field an imaginary question about your relationship, and then invite the snowman to a threesome whenever he's in town? Why stop at just one snowman? Why not a full on snowman swingers party? The writer is named Dick Smith which I'm guessing is the pseudonym he uses for his snowman porn fiction.
- •"Think of all the fun I've missed; Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed; Next year I could be just as good... if you check off my Christmas list"Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt In other words, buy me a '54 convertible, sable, yacht, a platinum mine, duplex, checks, decorate my tree, and propose to me or I'm going to bang all your friends. This thinly veiled threat reads more like Hans Gruber's list of demands than a Christmas list.
- •All of "Last Christmas" by WhammI absolutely despise this Christmas song. It's a break up song set during Xmas which hardly qualifies as a Christmas song.
- •All of "Baby It's Cold Outside"So really I'd better scurry / (Beautiful please don't hurry) / Well, maybe half a drink more / (Put some records on while I pour) / The neighbors might think / (Baby, it's bad out there) / Say what's in this drink / (No cabs to be had out there) ... I ought to say no, no, no, sir / (Mind if I move in closer) / At least I'm gonna say that I tried / (What's the sense of hurting my pride)Suggested by @warman