MY FAVORITE ANIMAL PENISES
Requested by @anabreton. If you enjoy this list check out The Final Member on Netflix. I've been to the Icelandic Phallogical Museum and watched so many nature documentaries that David Attenborough narrates my dreams.
- •ElephantElephant dick don't play. Unlike most mammals, female elephants' vaginal openings aren't close to the anus - they actually don't reach the outside of their body. The vagina connects to a canal called the vestibule that travels a meter down to their lower abdomen. So elephant penises are LONG and S-shaped. Since it can take awhile to find the vulva, E's penises have a natural searching behavior controlled entirely by blood flow. Their sperm also has incredible motility to make it past the lobby!
- •DolphinThe dolphin's retractable penis is truly a multi-tool. It's prehensile, it swivels, and they often use it to feel out other objects like a human hand.
- •Water BoatmanThey have a SINGING PENIS. Relative to its body size, the water boatman (an aquatic insect) is the loudest animal on Earth, producing sounds up to 90 decibels by rubbing it's penis against its abdomen. That's equivalent to a passing freight train. The reason they don't deafen us is because 99% of the sound is lost when passing from water to air. The area used to create this sound is only 50 micrometers across (the width of a hair), which baffles science.
- •BarnacleThis is the dark horse penis. Like you were not expecting me to say barnacle. You didn't even know barnacles *had* penises, unless you're a big fan of Darwin. Well barnacles have the LONGEST PENISES ON EARTH relative to their size! Their penis to body length ratio is 40:1! At that ratio, human penises would be 240 feet long. Which, if we spent our life cemented to the side of a boat, we'd probably grow to be able to get it on with a neighbor.
- •Blue WhaleTheir penis to body ratio is only 1:10, but they are so damn big they've got the longest dongs on earth at 10 feet. (But since female blue whales are much larger than males, perhaps their vaginas are the more impressive organ)
- •Female HyenasSpotted hyenas are nature's truest matriarchies, and females even have their own big ole dicks. Their pseudopenises (super phallic enlarged clitorises) can be up to 90% as big as male penises. Their fused labia is surrounded by fleshy masses that mimic a scrotum. So mating, urination, and even birth take place through the pseudopenis. In order to mate, females must voluntarily retract their penis into itself to create an opening for the male, thus making non-consensual sex impossible.
- •EchidnaThis penis has FOUR HEADS, all of which can ejaculate, but only 2 can function at one time. Oh also females have 2 vaginal openings. And they're a mammal that lays eggs. And they don't have nipples, the milk just kind of leaks through the skin. And a lot of times a female will sleep or hibernate through mating. And their sperm bundles together like marathon runners. Echidnas are straight up like fuck your norms.
- •Leopard SlugDangling from a glittering rope of mucus, 2 hermaphroditic slugs entwine their large blue penises (which grow out of the sides of their heads), fertilizing each others' eggs in a hypnotic, slowly rotating dance.
- •ArgonautThe male argonaut octopus is much smaller than the female (less than 1/5 her size), so he has to do something spectacular. He produces a ball of spermatozoa in a special tentacle called a hectocotylus, and when meeting a potential mate literally detaches his penis which swims itself over to the female!