KINDS OF BARS IN MY POST-INDUSTRIALIST, TRENDY SMALL TOWN

You have your choices of alcohol, that's for sure, but where you choose to sip or chug or slam that glass might tell me how I'm going to superficially and unfairly categorize you in my mind. This is not a Buzzfeed test, but I wish it were.
  1. 1.
    The restaurant bar
    These places are what towns are made of. I'm always embarrassed to sit at a bar where people behind me are sitting with their kids - at high tables or not, high tables, you can't transition me from bar to eating establishment that well and not have me notice what you're really doing, which is making sure I have something to hold on to as a saunter back to the bathroom - it just feels wrong.
  2. 2.
    The hotel bar
    These are fun. But here's a secret of hotel bars in towns: the people at them are all locals! Isn't that quaint? It's true. It's because no one comes to stay overnight in towns like mine. We're a pass-through.
  3. 3.
    The wine bar
    Last night as our group approached the wine bar, I exclaimed that I'd like to have some protection from the assumed onslaught of town yupps. I was assured that I would be taken care of, and upon being served a nice white with a cheese and chocolate plate, I was feeling pretty good until I looked to my left and saw a, ahem, high table, full of very thin women my age with yellow hair and red lipstick taking about their babies. It was all that I had feared.
  4. 4.
    The 'distillery'
    A new thing. A lovely thing. The place where I can get very classically drunk, and it's not a sign of inner slovenliness. This place is not as trendy as the wine bar, but I did see lots of men in sweaters there last night. No cigars, though, thankfully.
  5. 5.
    The fancy bar
    Located within a non-chain, higher-end locally-owned restaurant, the fancy bar usually sits only four or five people and isn't part of the drinking scene so I don't need to talk about it further.
  6. 6.
    The craft beer place
    I can't. I can't even. Like literally, I can't even step into these places. Yes, I'm a tad taller than my man, and yes, my man has a beard (it's exquisite), and yeah, I pin my hair and have plastic-rimmed eyeglasses, but if you think that that means that I'm even remotely comfortable in a place that sells hops-spiked Budweisers in bottles with brightly-colored ironic labels, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, BUDDY!
  7. 7.
    The dive
    My favorite place to be when I think about drinking. I'm a drunk who sits and stares, and I like to get into either no conversation, or into the conversation of your life. It happens in a dive bar.
  8. 8.
    The dive that was trendy because it was a dive but is now just back to a dive
    Memories are made up of these places. They're the places where somethings have been updated, like the television, or the cash register, after the 1970s, but probably before the mid-2000s. I can tell you where I made out with beautiful men in these places, and I can tell you who used to live upstairs, but I don't know the bartender anymore, and they play sports on the thick LCD screen.
  9. 9.
    Your neighbor's house
    You end up here during the week, or on a Sunday, and he has various liquors and certainly beer, and you rub his dog's face into your thigh as you chat about local politics. It's ok.