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On suicide...
  1. I'm not sure where this will go.
    I have thoughts in my head and I'm not sure I'll be able to translate them easily.
  2. I wrote a poem for Biz.
    A while ago. Back when we used to talk on here all the time. It was inspired by one of hers, but I never shared mine. It's unfinished and not very good, at least not to the caliber of her writing. I almost posted it last week anyway, hoping it would spark another interaction with her. But, I guess last week would've been too late. Her light shined brightly, her words inspired, her smile enthralled, her absence... hurts.
  3. When I was 13 I attempted suicide.
    It was more a cry for help than a desire to end my life. I took a paper clip, folded it into a U and stuck it in an electrical outlet. It hurt and it scared me but I was no worse for the wear. I was sad and scared by everything that was going on in my life at the time. I just wanted the world to stop spinning for a brief moment so I could catch my breath, collect my thoughts, and make sense of everything. Life keeps moving whether you're ready or not, I learned an important lesson.
  4. When I was 16 my father attempted suicide.
    It was more a cry for help than an actual desire to end his life. He was on drugs, addicted, drinking, self medicating, depressed, sad and scared by everything that was going on in his life at the time. He locked himself in his room and put a gun in his mouth. My aunt called and pleaded with me to talk some sense into him. I drove over there and talked him down. I think he just needed to see that someone cared, that no matter the circumstance, someone cared about him.
  5. When I was 27 my best friend attempted suicide.
    He had recently come out, then his first official BF broke up with him. The guy that gave him the confidence to face his family and friends and live his truth, didn't want to be with him any longer. Relationships don't always work out. My friend called me, crying, apologizing for stuff that I had long forgotten about. He said he loved me and goodbye. I asked him where he was but he hung up. I drove all over Orange County looking for him, I couldn't find him.
  6. He was in his car, an empty bottle of pain pills, an empty bottle of sleeping pills, an empty bottle of vodka. No note.
    He was parked in front of our friends house. He found him in the morning, called 911, the ambulance came and took him to the hospital and pumped his stomach. He survived. I tried to tell him every day after that how much I cared about him and remind him that he could always come to me for anything. He passed away three years ago due to complications from HIV/AIDS. I didn't know that could still happen in 2014. I miss him every day, it doesn't matter why he's not here, a part of me is dead.
  7. My favorite author killed himself.
    It was not a cry for help. It was most assuredly a demand for the end. I've read all of his books, some of them dozens of times. The words feel like a part of my life, the stories like memories passed down from an old friend. I miss him. I never met him, I didn't know him, but I read his words and I related to them and I felt a connection. That's how he wanted to go, it was very clear for a long time, I don't know how to rationalize it. I want to live forever, someday.
  8. I haven't been a very good friend.
    I don't reach out to my friends, I don't make an effort to see them, I don't call, I rarely text. People who used to be so engrained in the fiber of my life that I couldn't imagine not sharing everything with them, are now just the people that I send group texts to on holidays and birthdays. I hope they know that I'm still here for them, for anything, even if I don't do a good job of showing it.
  9. I've been crying some lately.
    I hate it. I'm writing this holding back tears. Every time I get that sensation of tears beginning, I hear my fathers voice calling me a little bitch and telling me that real men don't cry. I've seen him cry more than he's seen me cry, and I know that it's an old fashioned stereotype that doesn't apply in today's world. It's ok to be vulnerable, emotional or sad; and it doesn't make you any less of a man. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with those feelings.
  10. You guys are amazing.
    I'm not sure what makes our little community of social media feel so much more like an actual community than other apps, but I appreciate it. I appreciate those of you that reached out to me, or others. I appreciate those of you that had the strength to li.st about your feelings surrounding this tragedy. I appreciate those of you that didn't have the strength or clarity to share your feelings.
  11. I will give you the shirt off my back!
    I don't care if we've never had an interaction on here. Maybe I liked a li.st you wrote in October and we've never crossed paths again. Maybe you're someone I have notifications turned on for because I don't want to miss a thing you post. Maybe you don't realize how much I admire you because I suck at expressing those emotions. I don't care about the circumstance, if you need to talk, if you feel like there's nowhere left to turn, if you need help, I won't judge you. I am here for you. ♥️🙏🏻♥️
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  13. March 15, 2017
    You can all figure out how long ago I wrote this. It's been sitting in my drafts ever since. I open it, I read it, I think about how great you guys are and I never post it. I'm not unique, a lot of people have struggled with these thoughts or been affected by the loss of a loved one. I should've posted this a long time ago but, if drafts are going away, I can't let this li.st disappear with them. ✌🏻