Requested by Amy

Auto lies you tell random strangers ☑️

  1. Well, just like the presidential election, you guys got it wrong.
    This was a completely blank draft. I had no idea what to do with it because I don't talk to strangers (too dangerous) and I don't lie (to hard to remember).
  2. But, unlike our government, I'll do my best to adhere to the desires of the democratic majority.
  3. Stranger: What's up?
    Auto Lie: Not much.
  4. Actually a lot is up.
    Some trees, birds, clouds and planes for starters. Space, stars, planets, the moon, maybe comets or asteroids. A space station, satellites, maybe even a space shuttle or ufo. More importantly why are you asking me? Because I'm tall I'm supposed to be the authority on what's up? Not today stranger, you get my brains out of office reply, not much.
  5. Stranger: You're 21, right?
    Auto Lie: no, do I have to be?
  6. Of course I'm 21. You know it, I know it.
    But I'm going to make you card me every damn time. As these grey hairs pile up it's one of the few things I have left to help hold on to my youth. So just indulge me and stare at my ID for five seconds before you take my money.
  7. Vegas Stranger: What do you do?
    Auto Lie: I'm in a band.
  8. I used to say I was a writer when I was younger, then I switched to saying I was a stripper(pre magic mike).
    But, it turns out women don't really want to fuck either of those professions. So, now I play the steel drums in a ska/reggae band that mainly tours in South America. Oh, and uh... of course I don't say that anymore. 😬
  9. Mechanic stranger: What seems to be the problem?
    Auto Lie: I'm pretty sure it's the alternator.
  10. I have no idea dude, that's why I brought it to you.
    I'm also pretty sure I could fix whatever the problem is, I just suck at actually diagnosing it and I live in a condo with no garage and I'm not trying to lay in the street all day working on my car.
  11. Dancing stranger: Want a lap dance sugar?
    Auto Lie: No, I hate this song.
  12. Of course I want a dance! You look like Beyoncé's distant cousin.
    But, I purposely didn't bring any cash and I'm already mad I had to pay for the two drink minimum just so my friends can throw money at you. And, yes, I love this fucking song. Now if you'd get off my lap please I'd like to go try the meatball sandwich at the buffet.
  13. Stranger: Hold the elevator!
    Auto Lie: I'm pressing the button.
  14. Yeah, I am pressing the button.
    The door closed button, as rapidly as I can, and maybe even the next floor button if that will close it quicker. I need some me time right now, even if it's only a 15second elevator ride.
  15. Postmates Stranger: Delivery for Sarah.
    Auto Lie: I'm Sarah.
  16. You're Sarah?
    Yeah, is something wrong?
  17. Stranger: How's it going?
    Auto Lie: Great! Living the dream.
  18. Donald Trump is going to be our president.
    If that wasn't bad enough, I'm also starting to question whether or not I'm going to live forever.