A companion li.st to THE TIME I LOST MY DOG
  1. I don't remember why exactly, but my friend, my cousin and I decided not to renew our lease on the 3 bedroom condo we'd been living in near Disneyland.
    It had something to do with drugs, cops, parties, neighbors, drugs and cops.
  2. Not wanting to lock myself into any real responsibility at that point in my life, I found the cheapest possible room I could rent and stay in Anaheim, Ca.
    It turned out to be a halfway house. Probably not a "real" halfway house, but certainly full of addicts, recovering addicts and just plain crazy people.
  3. We refer to the halfway house as "Crazy Rudy's."
    It was owned and maintained by Rudy, who slept in the bedroom on the other side of the kitchen. I had the only other downstairs bedroom (if you don't count the two people renting out the garage). There were three bedrooms upstairs and one and a half bathrooms. One shower for seven people, which didn't bother me because I was the only one with a "real" job.
  4. Rudy had some of the best conspiracy theories.
    There were few things I enjoyed more during that time of my life than smoking a joint and listening to him talk about who killed the Kennedy's. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to share this but it was George H.W. Bush. I mean, he wasn't the trigger man but he was most definitely the mastermind. Rudy showed me all the proof, he was working on a book about it.
  5. I had this awesome room that ran the length of the house, opened up to the backyard and the only wall I shared was with the kitchen.
    I sectioned my room off into three areas; a bedroom; a living room with two couches, a coffee table and a tv; and a music playing, weed smoking, lounge area with a guitar, a paracho ukulele, stereo, notepads, beanbag, tons of incense and of course a rug that tied the room together. I had a radio show at the time and this is where I would come up with my setlist and stories I would tell. I paid $450/month and LOVED living there.
  6. One weekend, I went to Vegas for a bachelor party.
    I came back around 2 or 3 in the morning on Sunday night, walk in the front door, turned the kitchen light on and see a giant section of the wall, separating the kitchen and my room, cut out. It looked like they were making room to insert a 64" flat screen tv, only those things didn't exist yet. Shocked, I went into my room to find that just about everything I owned was covered in white drywall powder. It looked like Scarface had a party in my room and threw kilos of blow everywhere!
  7. I knock on Rudy's door.
    No answer.
  8. I bang on Rudy's door.
    No answer.
  9. I shout for Rudy while banging on the door for a solid ten minutes before he finally answers.
    "What?! God damnit!" He says.
  10. "What? What? There's a giant hole in my wall, that's what!" I reply.
    "Oh... we'll fix it in the morning."
  11. "No, fix it now!"
    "God damnit, fuckin primadonna" he says as he makes his way to the door and finally opens it.
  12. I point to the large rectangular opening in the wall, "what the fuck is that?"
    "Oh... we're gonna put a window in."
  13. "A window?!? That's my room! Why do you need a window from the kitchen to my room?!"
    "It'll be cool. It'll be like that mirrored glass they use when they're interrogating people. Only you can see out but nobody can see in."
  14. "Why would I want to see the kitchen?!"
    "To see who's there. What if you want to cook something and someone's using the microwave?"
  15. "No."
  16. "I just want all the drywall dust cleaned off of my stuff. You can do whatever you want with the wall, it's your house, but I don't appreciate you making a mess of all my stuff."
    "I would've cleaned it earlier but your door was locked."
  17. "Locked?! Rudy there's a hole the size of the washing machine in the wall, you could've climbed through, unlocked the door and cleaned all this up."
    "I didn't want to go in your room without permission."
  18. "Okay, you have my permission, will you please clean that shit up?"
    He vacuumed about 70% of it up, taped newspaper over the hole and then we both went to bed.
  19. The next morning I went to work and told the story to a coworker, who happened to be CW#2 from this list: Worst Dates I've Been On
    She tells me that her brother just got sent to jail and she needed to rent out his room so she could afford to stay there. She didn't want a stranger in the house with her young child, so she would rent it out to me for what I was paying at Crazy Rudy's even though it was less than what her brother was paying. I didn't agree to the deal yet, but I liked having that as a backup plan.
  20. I go home after work and nothing has changed. I ask Rudy what the progress is on the window and he says the mirrored glass is too expensive so he's just going to put in a regular window so people can see the backyard.
    I explain that people won't see the backyard, they'll see my room. He explains that if I open my blinds they'll see through my room to the backyard. And I tell him that I don't want to live in a fish bowl and if that's his plan then I'll move out at the end of the month.
  21. I move in with my coworker that weekend.
    There are several stipulations that she agrees to: we're not going to hook up, she can't sabotage my dates when I bring women over, and most importantly don't expect me to contribute to child care - I am not a babysitter, a boyfriend, a surrogate father or anything like that. It's a much smaller room and I have to put 2/3 of my belongings in a storage unit, but the apartments have a gym, pool and lots of college aged women, so fair trade.
  22. Things are good at the apartment for about a year.
    I meet a neighbor girl that I trade books and smoke herb with, we don't hook up but there's enough sexual tension to keep it interesting. I have a new job that I'm much happier at, I utilize the gym and pool daily, no drama with my roommate, she actually becomes a good resource for picking her brain about other women. We cook for each other, we watch tv together, we genuinely enjoy each other's company.
  23. Then one weekend she says she's bringing the couches to her parents, along with the dining table and she's going to come back with new ones. I naively believe her because things were going so well. I even helped her load it all in a moving truck.
    Monday morning she still hadn't come back with the new furniture. I got up to get ready for work and didn't notice that just about everything else was gone as well, because it already looked so empty without the couches and dining set.
  24. While I was in the shower I heard a knock on the door, quickly followed by another more forceful one and several rings of the doorbell. Then shouting that I couldn't understand. Then it stopped.
    Shortly after there was a loud, forceful knocking on the bathroom door. Followed by a female voice shouting, "this is the Orange County sheriffs department, open this door!" It was at that time that I noticed the towels were also missing, so I yelled back "I'm naked... and wet."
  25. I've seen a few adult films that started like this but somehow I knew my luck had run out and this was not going to be like the movies.
    "Open this door right now before I kick it in!" She shouts.
  26. So, I open the door, naked and wet. She gives me an up and down and back up glance, then hands me an eviction notice.
    Our landlord was standing behind her along with two other uniformed officers. None of them seemed very happy that I was naked and wet.
  27. I looked at the eviction notice and said, "but I've been paying the rent."
    That's when the landlord said "who are you, what's your name?" I gave him my name and he looked at his sheet of paper and said "your name isn't on the lease and the rent hasn't been paid in three months." 😳
  28. "Okay... can I at least dry off, get dressed and pack up my belongings?"
    "It's 6:52, you have until 7am to be out of here before you're arrested for trespassing" the sheriff said before giving me one more up and down glance and walking out.
  29. I was supposed to start work at 7am, so I hustled to get dry and dressed, grabbed an armful of clothes and Buddha and got the hell out of there.
  30. I went to work, told my coworkers and we all started brainstorming and searching for apartments for rent.
    I took one of them up on her offer to crash on her couch for a while, CW#4 from previous worst dates list. I couch surfed with buddies, slept in my truck, showered at the beach, and generally did a decent job of not looking homeless until I found a room for rent in a beach house on the peninsula in Newport Beach.
  31. I went there to check it out and it was a chick and a dude, they were barbecuing, drinking beer and watching the Lakers game.
    I immediately felt like I was home.
  32. The rent was a lot more than what I was used to paying but I had a decent job now and the women I was trying to date were getting sick of my sketchy roommates/living situations so it seemed like a worthwhile investment.
    Plus I didn't have any other viable options.
  33. The room was small. The parking was terrible. The rent was high. The roommates weren't as friendly as they seemed before I moved in.
    But, I could throw on some shorts, open my front door, hang a towel over the lawnchair, go jump in the ocean and not be dry by the time I made it back to my front door, even in the summer.
  34. You know what they say about real estate:
    Location, location, location.
  35. Shortly after I moved in, the other male roommate got a dui and some other legal trouble and had to move out.
  36. The landlord was happy to let us pay her individually, so I would write a check for my portion of the rent and give it to her and the other roommates would do the same.
    So our rent didn't automatically go up just because someone moved out, which is huge when you're living in a place like that. As long as she felt we were actively looking for a new roomie she would cut us some slack.
  37. That is where I was living when I met @ElDudetterino
    and that is how I came to be living in a beach house with a female roommate when we found Hendrix.