How to Be ME in 5 Easy Steps

Inspired by @biz and the wonderful @rellimt This list was sponsored by Tuesday Morningโ„ข (@tuesdaymorning on Twitter and TUES on the Nasdaq)
  1. 1.
    Fake it until you make it!
    But never actually make it, just continue faking it until you die. Then fake that too, and live on an island with Andy Kaufman and Tupac.
  2. 2.
    Say a bunch of ridiculous shit, until it is no longer questioned, and just becomes expected and accepted.
    But, do it with a straight face so nobody can tell when you're joking or when you're serious.
  3. 3.
    Wear your emotions on your sleeve.
    And stuff that sleeve down to the bottom of the hamper. Pile anything and everything on top of it so that nobody realizes it's even there. Cover it with forearms, jawline and sense of humor. If anybody digs deeper, offer them useless trivia and eclectic taste in music. When all else fails, pull out sarcasm and shove it in their face until they forget what they were looking for to begin with.
  4. 4.
    Argue with that squiggly red line on the spell check program. Are you sure there isn't an e in rediculous? Really, two g's in squigly, I doubt it! Should've called you a stoopid phone! Oh, that's wrong too? Ha! Shows what you no. (๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿป no grammar check option, apparently).
    Actually, argue with everyone. Even when you're consistently wrong, just keep arguing. Repeat step 2 if you run out of pertinent facts to support your argument. Your co-workers will appreciate this almost as much as your wife. Also, never let someone else's lack of enthusiasm for argumentative banter deter you from continuing your argument until you feel that not only has your point been made but they now completely regret even talking to you.
  5. 5.
    Treat baseball season as if it's the second coming of Christ. (Also, google second coming of Christ because you don't really understand religion and get confused by the whole holy trinity thing.) (also laugh when you think about Jesus and Mary and her saying "oh my, again?" and super cool Jesus saying "oh yeah, it's the second coming babe.")
    It's here! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป Its finally here! I've been waiting so long for this. I never thought this day would come. My life is complete now! Thank you baseball gods. Then rub some red brick dust on your forehead like ash wednesday, baptize your throwing shoulder in icy-hot, and run your fingers over the red stitching on a baseball like a nun might to the beads on her rosary. The Angels are in the outfield and my sins have been forgiven by lowered beer prices, praise the lord and hallelujah! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป