My Answers to the Brett Questionnaire

We've all done the Bernard Pivot questions and/or the Proust questions, but today another brilliant mind (@BWN_7 ) has presented an even more challenging set of inquiries... I present to you, the Brett questionnaire, in its original unabridged version. You can find his list with the questions here: Some Important Questions on a Tuesday
  1. Who do you think you are?
    I think I am a 12year old boy that got turned into an adult by a carnival genie attraction named Zultan the magnificent. However, modern science cannot support this claim so I've learned through years of intense therapy sessions that I'm actually just an adult with dissociative identity disorder.
  2. Do you know how to get to Aspen?
    I probably could figure it out with a Thomas Guide but luckily I have google, trip advisor and airline miles, so...
  3. What's the deal with Ovaltine?
    If you like things that kinda taste like gluten free chocolate milk and you love grainy textures then this is the stuff dreams are made of! Also, I'm pretty sure this was invented by accident when NASA tried to reconstitute freeze dried astronaut poo. 🚀🌬💩
  4. Haaaaaaaaave you met Ted?
    I never met him in person but I had a pen pal named Ted once. Man, that guy was intense! He was always blowing up my inbox. I finally had to tell him to calm down, because he would just go on and on about technology slavery and how he wanted to just go live in a cabin in the woods and write. I guess some of his other pen pals complained too, I heard he got in some kind of trouble for blowing up other people's inboxes. What was his name... Kazakhstan? No. Krzyzewski? No. Oh yeah, Kaczynski!
  5. What is it, you'd say... Ya do here?
    Mostly dumb stuff, but occasionally I stumble upon something profound or interesting.
  6. Why are you so awful?
    I had a college professor tell me once that I can't succeed in life relying solely on charm and good looks. Now that I'm married and no longer have the option to sleep my way to the top of my profession, reality is starting to set in and I'm realizing that my professor was right. So, I'm awful because I was an only child that basically thought I was god's gift and now I'm an adult that doesn't believe in God or gifts.
  7. Could I BE wearing anymore clothes?
    Could I BE Chandler. Arizona? Because it's probably warmer there. Either way, I'm in Southern California, it's 64degrees and I have a short sleeve shirt and pants on, so yes I could be wearing more clothes.
  8. What's in the box?!?!?!
    Chapstick, Make-up, skin care products, hair products, make-up tutorials, hair do's and dont's, skin care how-to's, and whatever else comes in my wife's monthly birchbox. Or, treats, chews, squeaky toys and stuffed animals if it's my dogs monthly barkbox. Or, garland, ornaments, the (Angel)Tim Salmon bobble head that sits at the top of our tree and other assorted holiday items that go into the Christmas box that I just put back in the garage.
  9. Did you order the code red?
    Yes,in fact, I did. It's one of my favorite stories. I went on a date to a Lakers game(her choice and she paid!) and we had amazing seats, like 5 rows back from the court! My date was to my left and Paris Hilton was to my right, it was basically the most beautiful sandwich I've ever been in. Our waiter comes over and asks for our order and I order a Mountain Dew code red and instruct him to deliver it to Jack Nicholson but ask "did you order the code red?" before giving it to him. Paris laughed.
  10. Where are all the men?
    Well, I'm in Southern California and we have pretty dry winters, so if The Weather Girls are to be believed, then "It's raining men" somewhere else. I would check your local weatherman for more details.
  11. You talkin to me?
    Yes I am talking to you, Travis! But, that's not the question you should be asking. You should be asking who the fuck I am; because you're clearly all alone, staring into a mirror, repeating the same damn question over and over as if I'm actually there with you and you expect an answer.
  12. Do you know what your sin is?
    I sure don't but I hope it's original.
  13. Excuse me stewardess, is there a movie on this flight?
    Listen jackass, it's 2016 and the preferred nomenclature is "flight attendant." Now sit your fat ass down and buckle in, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. And, yes, there will be a movie, it's Stripes, will that be sufficient misterrrrr Candy, if that is your real name. You certainly aren't very sweet!