Lottery pick (1-14) edition.
  1. Philadelphia - Ben Simmons
    They've already promised him they'd pick him but will still wait the full two commercial breaks during the television broadcast before announcing it. No truth to the rumor that he is Bill Simmons son.
  2. Los Angeles Lakers - Brandon Ingram
    The first (and likely only) sentient toothpick to get drafted into the NBA. Coach K scouted him for Duke during a lunch with Shaquille O'neal, when "the big flosstradamus" cleaned his teeth and some food flicked off the toothpick and landed right in the trash can . They gave him a name, taught him to dribble and now the Lakers will pay him millions of dollars. No truth to the rumor that John Calipari has offered a scholarship to those cinnamon flavored toothpicks.
  3. Boston - *TRADE*
    Boston trades the pick to Cleveland for Kevin Love. Cleveland then trades the pick, along with some players, to New York for Carmelo Anthony. The Knicks then trade the pick and Jeff Hornacek to the Lakers for Luke Walton and Swaggy P. The Lakers select Jamal Murray.
  4. Phoenix - Dragen Bender
    After a three day Game of Thrones binge watching hiatus, the General Manager in Phoenix chooses Dragen Bender after mistakenly believing that he is an actual Dragon, or perhaps a human with Dragon Bending powers. They are sorely disappointed when a tall, lanky, white guy walks up to the podium to shake hands with the commissioner.
  5. Minnesota - Buddy Hield
    The Kid can shoot.
  6. New Orleans - Denzel Valentine
    After forgetting Valentine's Day this year, the GM in New Orleans executes a poor attempt at making it up to his wife by drafting a player named Valentine and telling her this was the surprise he has planned all along. Then he asks if he can stop sleeping on the couch now.
  7. Denver - Air Bud
    Might be slightly out of his prime since he is now 91 in dog years, but the marketing tie-ins with the legalization of marijuana more than make up for his lack of ability on the court. Plus his big smile and wagging tail are great for improving the locker room atmosphere.
  8. Sacramento - Diamond Stone
    He's gotta be good with a name like that, right?
  9. Toronto - Drake
    Giphy downsized medium
    By putting him on the bench, he'll actually be sitting further away than he was at home games last season, therefor causing less of a distraction to the team.
  10. Milwaukee - Some European
    We're told he's amazing but nobody has actually seen him play, ever.
  11. Orlando - Some European
    We're told he's amazing but has decided to continue to play oversees until Orlando fields a competitive team or America improves its gun regulations, whichever comes first.
  12. Utah (traded to Atlanta) - Some European
    You'll never hear about this guy again, but the clips they show make him look like Michael Jordan playing against children. In fact, that might actually be home video footage of Michael Jordan playing against his kids.
  13. Phoenix - Jaron Blossomgame
    They're really expecting his game to blossom at the next level.
  14. Chicago - Ferris Bueller
    Somehow nobody questions this pick at all.