THE TIME I LOST MY DOG

My wife and I got a dog after we'd been dating for three months. She often, straight-faced not joking, credits the dog as the reason we're still together. And, I almost lost our dog, therefore, I almost lost my wife. 👫🐶
  1. I used to play in a flag football league in LA.
    @ElDudetterino would come to my games, sit with the other girlfriends/wives and talk about whatever women talk about while their significant others are killing themselves trying to relive their glory days.
  2. One game, I take a break from being Randude Moss, and look over to see a tiny puppy sitting in Sarah's lap.
    At halftime I go over and ask her, "what's up with the dog, dawg?" And she says "don't call me dawg, that's rude, I'm not one of your 'boys'(and she does the air quotes)." I said, "it's not rude, it's a term of endearment, like Shirley McClain or 'bitch'(I used the air quotes for bitch)." She slapped me and said "it is not a term of endearment and you're not a rapper, despite what you may have thought that one time you recorded a demo album." ...where was I? Oh yeah, the dog.
  3. As the story goes, the dog was wandering around the park without a collar and didn't appear to belong to anyone. He went up to a few people and quickly left but when he approached Sarah, he just jumped in her lap and stayed there.
    She said, "can we keep him?" We weren't living together yet, so I knew, can WE keep him meant can he live with me. At the time I lived in a beach house that was not pet friendly, with roommates that were not pet friendly. I said, "if you take the dog around the park and make sure he doesn't belong to anyone, then call my landlord and get her approval, then call my roommate and get her approval, then MAYBE we can keep him."
  4. We were still new in our relationship, I hadn't yet realized that whatever she puts her mind to, she makes it happen.
    Sarah jumped through all the hoops I gave her, before I finished the second half of my football game. He didn't belong to anyone at the park. She called my landlord and got her approval, and also became friends and set up a lunch date. She called my roommate and got her approval and also became friends and still talk to this day. She even called my friend that works at an animal shelter and set something up so we could bring him in to see if he had a microchip, which he did not.
  5. So, now I have this dog, and we name him Hendrix because he was apprehensive about getting in my truck until the music started ("freedom" by Jimi Hendrix) and he jumped in.
    I was 27 at the time and BARELY holding my life together. Ever see a polar bear cub balancing on a tiny iceberg on NatGeo? He's cute but also clumsy and not really sure what he's supposed to be doing(no gif for that and I'm not changing my analogy). That was me at that point in my life. It might've looked like I was doing something productive, but I was really just trying to balance and not drown. There was no way I should've been responsible for another life, even a stray dogs life.
  6. I didn't have any dog food and Sarah had to work her magic to get the guy at Target to let us in as they were closing, to get a collar and leash. So, I took Hendrix to In n Out for his first meal as part of the family.
    Then I took him home and made a bed for him in my closet.
  7. But... I had to go to work the next morning and I wasn't convinced Hendrix would know that he's supposed to just chill out in my room and not bark or tear the place apart.
    So I brought him to work with me. But, I couldn't actually bring him TO WORK with me. I put blankets down in the bed of my truck, gave him food and water, parked on the bottom of the parking garage where nobody goes and he wouldn't be sitting in the sun all day. Lastly, just to be safe, I tied his leash to the bed of the truck so he wouldn't go anywhere.
  8. I went in to work, clocked in, made a few laps to get noticed and seem like I was working and then I snuck out to go check on him.
    I was in the office for fifteen minutes, tops!
  9. As I walk out to the garage and my truck comes into view, I see something hanging over the side.
    As I get closer I realize it's his leash!
  10. Hendrix had escaped!
    ...or tried to commit suicide. Either way, he wasn't there. I had him for less than 24 hours and already lost him. To make matters worse, I told Sarah the night before that we weren't keeping him and there is no way after that conversation that she would believe that I "lost" him.
  11. I wandered around the parking garage looking for him and calling his name out. He didn't even really know his name yet, but there I was kneeling to look under cars and yelling alternating versions of "Hendrix" and "here boy."
    Also, I had been gone from work for way longer than a bathroom break at this point.
  12. I checked every level of that damn parking garage!
    I even told the person who worked in the pay booth to keep an eye for him.
  13. Then I had to go back to work, make myself seen again and try to find another reason to leave.
    So I did just that and snuck away again.
  14. I go back to the parking garage and I see the security guard walking out of the garage holding something in his jacket.
    Something very suspicious!
  15. So I run up on him, grab him, rip open his jacket and yell in his face "you stole my dog!"
    And then I look down and see that he's holding a 2 liter Coca Cola classic under his jacket, not a puppy.
  16. I apologize and do that thing that they do in the movies when they straighten out someone's coat after bumping into them, or whatever.
    Then I finally get a lead. The person in the pay booth at the garage tells me they saw someone from the next building over with a dog.
  17. I go to that office building and find out some women on the fourth floor were seen with a dog.
    So, I go to the fourth floor.
  18. I walk in and announce my presence with authority, "You have my dog and I want him back!"
    And this lady says, "how do we know it's your dog?"
  19. I say "oh really? Do you get a lot of people coming in here claiming that the dog you just found in the parking lot is actually their dog that jumped out of their truck while they went in to work..?"
    She stared blankly, then went in the back to get another girl.
  20. "Give me my dog!" I shout down the hallway.
  21. Then this other lady stands at the end of the hallway, holding my dog, and says "if he's your dog then call him and if he comes to you then you can keep him."
    I say "are you fucking crazy?! Give me my dog!"
  22. She says, "no, call him."
    I say, "give me my dog!"
  23. "Call him"
    "No!"
  24. "Just call him."
    "No."
  25. "Fine, then I'm keeping him."
    "Give me my dog right no-"
  26. "If you call him and he comes to you the-"
    "I understand the premise."
  27. "Well...?"
    🙄"fuck, fine, whatever."
  28. So I squat down, pray that this works so I don't have to rip my dog from her cold dead hands, and say "here boy."
    He comes running into my arms and the scruffy little brat has been stuck with us ever since.