Things My Dad Said to ME This Week, vol.2
My dad leaves drunk voicemails; this list is cheaper than therapy.
- •Hello? I can't tell if you answered or if I heard a beep. Is this when I - hello? Are you there? I'll just keep talking til you answer or I get cut off. Hello? Are you at work? Hello? I haven't heard a beep yet, are you there?And then he proceeds to talk to my mom about whether or not he's actually leaving a message until my voicemail mercifully cuts him off.
- •I can't believe you named your dog Hendrix! What kind of stupid name is that?I've had this dog for 7 years, it's not like this just happened. Also, neither of my parents can pronounce Hendrix for some reason, they either think because it's only one dog that they can leave off the "s" sound at the end, "hendrick," or they leave out the d in the middle, "henrick's." But only if it's a possessive statement, "that's henrick's toy." My mom saw Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock and my dad is around her age, this really shouldn't be that difficult.
- •Hey biggie boy, I got you a tent for Christmas.This might need it's own list to sum up all of the events that unfolded leading to me needing a new tent. In short, I loaned our camping gear to my parents this summer, against my wife's wishes, and they destroyed our tent. They got in an argument, my dad couldn't find the zipper to open the tent door, so he used his knife to cut his way out of the tent. Shortly after, he cut his way back into the tent to continue the argument, ignoring the tent door, the previous cut or the person still inside!
- •I was just thinking about that time I took you to school and we were late because aliens kidnapped us and the ninja turtles had to come save us.I was in second grade and my dad took me to school on a (not street legal) dirt bike, neither one of us had a helmet(it was the 80's) and we got pulled over. After my dad flirted his way out of the ticket with the lady cop, I needed a note because I was late for school. He wrote a note in crayon, saying we were late because aliens and ninja turtles, signed the note "daddy," folded it up and gave it to me. It wasn't the first or last time I got sent to the principal's office because of my dad.
- •Are you still vegan?"You little bitch! That's such a bitch thing to do. Oh, my tummy hurts when I eat meat. Poor baby. I used to feed you steak and potatoes every day when you lived with me and you loved it, stop being such a sissy!" I was vegan for 2.5years, FOUR YEARS AGO. I have eaten meat at their house, in front of them, since then...
- •I did such a good job raising you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't believe you turned out to be such a good person."You don't have any tattoos, you didn't have any kids before you got married and you've only been in jail once!" Thanks for having such high standards dad.