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  1. We do
  2. What the fuck
  3. We want
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  1. Some of you might know that there's an occasional rivalry between this account and @joannfabrics
  2. And the next day my precious son Ebenezer came home from school and told me that some of the other students had called him 'fart flavored slurpee Jr.'
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  1. The Yarn Gospel is a document discovered by Hobby Lobby founder Elmo Hobblobby in 1971 that details our Lord's thoughts on and relationship with yarn.
  2. There are also sections dealing with birth control, the chewing of gum, and a few predictions regarding Burger King's Angriest Whopper
  3. The most important part is where Jesus says 'Be as yarn in all ye do, gentle yet binding'
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  1. Actually, we do!
  2. However, the coverage we provide isn't the typical plan offered by many other companies of our size. Instead, we offer a plan suggested in our guiding document, the Yarn Gospel
  3. Each and every employee of Hobby Lobby is entitled to be assigned an 'Omar.'
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  1. I'd love to get a staff writing position on my favorite show Broad City
  2. Here are some episode ideas just in case someone in a position of power reads this
  3. Abbi needs adhesive google eyes for a project and goes to @michaelsstores looking for some and gets a staph infection after stepping on an old screwdriver someone left in the parking lot
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  1. You'd think he'd be more careful, right?
  2. Especially since he's so fuckin proud of his job as the Hobby Lobby social media guy
  3. Which by the way is a much shittier job than being a partner at a law firm
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  1. Star of stage and screen Benedict Cumberbatch has spoken out against @joannfabrics on multiple occasions
  2. From an interview in GQ: 'one thing that quite took me by surprise when I first visited America was this chain called Joann's Fabrics, which is basically a huge toilet filled with cheap garbage'
  3. From Fresh Air: 'I based my portrayal of Smaug on the typical @joannfabrics customer—old, angry, scaly skin, completely self-absorbed and cynical, sewing destruction and better off dead, quite frankly'
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  1. I realized this morning that I've never actually been inside a @joannfabrics store
  2. And as our lord the merciful Jesus Christ says in the Yarn Gospel, 'be as yarn in all ye do, gentle and binding'
  3. So I decided to visit a local store and i wanted to tell you about the trip
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  1. Old Jegg Hillcoat is an associate at our Cornbone, Iowa location
  2. Old Jegg has worked at Hobby Libby since 1999
  3. Oh no, I wrote Libby up there and not Lobby. Is there a way to edit these?
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  1. @joannfabrics doesn't sell model glue
  2. @joannfabrics doesn't sell Easter basket grass year round
  3. @joannfabrics yarn is a favorite of sexual deviants who use it for sexual asphyxiation purposes
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