Why Don't We Provide Birth Control Coverage to Our Employees?

  1. Actually, we do!
  2. However, the coverage we provide isn't the typical plan offered by many other companies of our size. Instead, we offer a plan suggested in our guiding document, the Yarn Gospel
  3. Each and every employee of Hobby Lobby is entitled to be assigned an 'Omar.'
  4. Omar's are typically males under five feet seven inches in height, weighing no less than 234 pounds, with high-pitched or 'feminine' voices
  5. An Omar's task is to monitor its assigned employees sexual encounters, and sing the 'DO NOT EJACULATE' song throughout coitus in order to minimize the risk of conception.
  6. The DO NOT EJACULATE SONG goes like this:
  7. In, in, in and out
  8. Sex is super fun
  9. But if you come inside her now
  10. You risk having a son
  11. Do not come
  12. Do not come
  13. You risk having a son
  14. Do not come
  15. Do not come
  16. Think of rotten pig meat
  17. Admittedly, very few Hobby Lobby employees have adopted the Omar system
  18. And the few who have report that their Omar's spent more time begging to be released from the special bindings they are placed in, or to be reunited with their families, than singing
  19. So it's not a perfect system
  20. But it's ours!