Allow Me to Listroduce™ Myself

In my entire life, I've only found a total of 6 people cooler than I am: Homer, Julius caesar, Ivan the terrible, King Henry VIII, Theodore roosevelt, and Chuck Norris. Other than them, I'm basically god. Fuck, even in school people call me God, and that's not even a joke.
  1. Let me cut the shit: Here's who I really am:
    I'm one of these marine jerk offs who will do anything for a good time. You can stop reading here and get the rest.
  2. I was born on March 23,2002, in Chelmsford, massachusetts.
    Possibly my favorite story of my life is the start of it. The doctors made a guess a few months before I was born I would be born on March 24th, and When my mother went into labor they said I would be born on March 24th, but I punched my way out of that bitch twelve minutes early!
  3. Threw out my first 4 years, I had fun with my life.
    I would slap my sister, Ride my bike, and stand on this rock in our yard and stare off like a badass. Also, apparently I really liked streaking. My mom said I did it a bunch, and I remember that shit! The times I did were only in front of my sisters friends. I'm honestly, I swear to fucking god, telling the truth. Also, I was the best baby ever because my mom said the first time I cried I was 2, which means I wasn't the crying baby in the movie theater. Suck it.
  4. One day In 2007, I met my Kindergarten teacher somewhere, and I shook her hand.
    At that moment, I became a complete vagina. The rest of my life has been a struggle to get my male genitals back.
  5. In 2008, I got into a fist fight against some kids that said I was the second coolest kid in school.
    I won, and I didn't even get in trouble. Also, I became 100% aware that a lot of people in my town were unics.
  6. In 2012, I got my first period.
  7. In 2014, I met Bibbertron 420
    It was My seventh grade science teacher that made me realize how I hadn't actually made any progress in become a man.
  8. In 2015, I started an Instagram account called" The Sports God"
    I asked my friends to call me " Sports God", which they did. I deleted the account, so they shortened it to just "God".
  9. In March, I decided to go on a shitty band field trip.
    I planned on walking around with my friend Connor, but he got sick. I ended up walking around with Hunter and These bitches with screeching voices and big tits. I didn't notice this until We passed some hot sauce place, I took a free sample, and died( I'm white). They kept saying that I had a lot of guts, and The rest of the day ruled, until the last wave of it ended. I'm I didn't get laid from that.
  10. In June, We went on a field trip to an amusement park.
    There I told myself if I went on this one ride there, I would have a dick as large as chuck Norris's. I guess it happened, as Connor actually stopped sucking his own dick and realized that He's not the lord and savor I am.
  11. In conclusion, I'm the reason politicians think the middle class doesn't need help, or is grand, because they just peek in at me every now and then.
    You wish you had my life.