Requested by a m

NO SHIT, THERE I WAS...

The best war stories are the ones with superlatives and slight embellishments, and they usually start with the "No shit, there I was." If telling a story to a service member familiar with this format, they usually reply with "No shit, there you were." So in honor of this timeless format let's share some stories👌
  1. No shit, there I was
    in the second vehicle of a combat patrol in eastern Afghanistan...I think we were moving supplies or people from FOB (forward operating base) Sharana to FOB Orgun-E. These patrols take forever because you usually travel behind a bunch of engineers who are clearing the roads of bombs. These guys are some of the unsung heroes of the war...
  2. Did I already say I was on a long fucking trip?
    These patrols take forever because you start early, and usually travel at 10-15 mph. So a trip that would normally take an hour or two in the developed world takes eight hours when all is calm...
  3. And I had to pee...
    So doing your business in Afghanistan deserves its own list, but needless to say it involves taking off a 30 pounds of body armor, placing your weapon nearby, but not too nearby...and then crapping into a bag that you save until it can go into a burn pit. Anyways, I only needed to pee. As a Soldier you can get away with pissing in a bottle (sorry ladies), but I didn't have a bottle, damn it!
  4. So I was THAT guy..
    The guy everyone hates for slowing down the already long trip. But I happened to be the guy-in-charge and when ya gotta go, ya gotta go. So we pull over and everyone pulls security while I handle my business. Peeing in combat is interesting because you invariably worry about getting shot and killed with your hand on the wrong piece (think Full Metal Jacket) or you worry about pissing into the wind...so I sling my weapon, take a knee, pee for what seems like forever while I stare off into Mordor.
  5. Listen to your bladder
    As we got back on the road, we drove over a hill into another rolling, but not-quite-majestic, valley. Approaching from another direction was a different convoy about 400 meters away, where I would've been if we hadn't stopped. Long story short, the second vehicle in that convoy hit a remote-controlled IED (a couple guys got pretty hurt but luckily survived). Moral of the story: peeing can save your life.