HOW TO BE TOM CRUISE

@wikiHow's informal request
  1. Wear black t-shirts six out of seven days a week.
  2. Behave in only the most professional manner at the workplace. Never falter.
  3. Treat your body like a temple. No drugs. No alcohol. Only water and blood.
  4. Run.
    Run always. Never stop running. Tom is always running. Sometimes he’s running so fast it appears as though he is standing still or laying down. A) Always B) Be R) Running. Always be running. “Everybody runs.” - Minority Report
  5. Remember everyone's name.
    If you meet Tom once and then don’t see each other again for ten years, he will remember your name and social security number. He does this by assigning an animal to each person he meets. He calls this Face/Animal Association & Recognition™ Master this technique.
  6. Do push-ups morning and night.
    666 is the oft-quoted number of the Devil, but it was actually a misinterpretation. The real number is 616 and in 1983 Tom corrected this mistake after years of scouring through ancient texts. He prefers 616 push-ups at 6:16 AM and PM, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
  7. Read ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’.
    Every night before bed and every morning with a tall glass of blood.
  8. Remove the word "no" from your vocabulary.
    Tom literally had the word "no" Eternal Sunshined from his brain. You cannot bring that word to him. He won’t understand. The operation is costly, but damn worth the money. Tom can now do anything and everything. He can bend spoons with his mind. Tom Cruise could melt the Sun. Tom built a home on Pluto to sometimes get away from the banality of our meager human lives.