MOVIE SEQUELS I WATCH WITH ALARMING FREQUENCY

  1. Weekend at Bernie's 2
    The rest are in no particular order, but this had to be number one. I love telling people about this movie. It's a week after the first film, Rich and Larry are in search of Bernie's missing 2 million dollars. Meanwhile, 2 mobsters mess up a voodoo curse meant to bring Bernie to life so he can lead the way to his fortune. Instead, he only gets up and walks when he hears music! Music only LOL! Rich and Larry take Bernie to the Virgin Islands where non-stop dead body comedy and mild racism ensues.
  2. Short Circuit 2
    No Steve Guttenberg here is real bummer. Every movie is a bit of a bummer without Guttenberg. But we get a lot of OG Chappie feels. Also starring Fisher Stevens (in brown face) and Michael McKean as Die Antwoord.
  3. Speed 2: Cruise Control
    This is my favorite subtitle of all time. Cruise Control. Like a CAR but they're on a CRUISE. 100 bucks says they let Jason Patric name the movie. All I really need to point out here is that Willem Dafoe gets fired from Carnival Cruise Lines and is super pissed and sick with copper poisoning and uses leeches to stay alive long enough to steer the cruise ship into an oil tanker. Jason Patric runs around. Sandra Bullock runs around. The maintenance guy from the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. building runs around.
  4. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
    Good lord. This movie. Ace is called in to find a white bat in Africa. I think? I guess. It doesn't matter. What matters here is like the Jet Li film Unleashed they take the collar completely off Carrey and he goes full mental for 90 minutes. They let him do whatever he wants and it's worth the price of a 1995 admission, a 1996 VHS, a 1998 DVD, and a 2005 iTunes digital download. Highlights include a reunion with In Living Color costar Tommy Davidson and every joke called back from Ace Ventura 1
  5. Jaws 2
    Jaws is one of the most perfect movies ever made. It's flawless. Apparently, Jaws 2 was supposed to be directed by Spielberg, but he wanted to make Close Encounters and the studio wanted to rush a sequel. Bad move, Studio. I wake up every morning thinking about what a Spielberg Jaws 2 would be like. Regardless, this version has Chief Brody running around, a bunch of kids stranded, and a really pissed off great white shark with a gnarly third degree facial burn. Bonus: Jaws eats a helicopter.
  6. U.S. Marshalls
    It surprises a lot of people to learn that this is a direct sequel to The Fugitive. Same US Marshall team made up of Tommy Lee Jones, Joey Pants, and the guy who plays Jay Leno in HBO's The Late Shift. We also get a solid performance from Robert Downey Jr. post drug arrests and pre drug arrests.
  7. Batman Forever
    For some reason I was allowed to watch In Living Color at a very young age. Like 5. Batman Returns hit theatres when I was 6. So when Batman Forever was announced to star Jim Carrey as The Riddler, I went completely nuts. Full meltdown shock. The stars were in complete alignment. Never had I been so excited and perhaps I'll never be that excited again. It's no Batman '89 or '92 but it's colorful and zany and JIM CARREY.
  8. Gremlins 2: The New Batch
    Gremlins 1 is legitimately great. Gremlins 2 gets a little too self reflexive to be considered great, but it's... it's just more Gremlins. They're all over the place. It's a blast. The movie jumps the shark when the Gremlins drink serum found in a lab. One dons a British accent and supreme intelligence. Another becomes electricity and travels through the phones? Another becomes a Bat-Gremlin. The Gremlins even interrupt the movie, tearing the reel to shreds before banging on the screen.
  9. Alien: Resurrection
    This a dirty sloppy movie. It constantly looks and feels like the inside of a porta potty. Sigourney (1992 spoiler!) dies at the end of Alien 3 so how could they bring her back?? First step: call Joss Whedon. Second step: clones. Though this pales in comparison to the other Alien films, Whedon came up with some great ideas and the aliens are vicious. The film takes place roughly 250 years after Alien and if you think about it, Ripley has had NO rest. Just constant terror for over two centuries.
  10. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
    Evil robot Bill and Ted are sent back in time to find and KILL the real Bill S. Preston, Esq and Ted "Theodore" Logan. Bill and Ted are promptly sent to limbo and then Hell. They escape Hell only to have to challenge Death to games like Twister and Battleship. From here it just gets crazier and better. This movie has time travel, robots, ghosts, Heaven, Hell, Death, aliens, and Keanu. Put on the DVD, take your favorite psychedelic, and never ever return to this world.
  11. Police Academy 2
    I was always drawn to the Police Academy movies at Blockbuster. Years later I would realize it's because famed poster artist Drew Struzan (Star Wars, Indiana Jones) did the artwork for all seven films. The first is great and Rated R. The rest are watered down PG-13 versions of that first movie. BUT, Steve Guttenberg is back as Carey Mahoney, so who cares. Bonus: Bobcat Goldthwait as the antagonist leading a gang called The Skullions.
  12. Police Academy 3
    More Steve Guttenberg! And this time Bobcat Goldthwait is a good guy! I've only seen this movie ten or twelve times because it is very very bad.
  13. Police Academy 4
    More Guttenberg!! In a hot air balloon!! But this would sadly be his final appearance as Carey Mahoney. Bonus: BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT.
  14. Police Academy 5
    No Guttenberg! Matt McCoy is brought in to replace Guttenberg which is obviously impossible unless you're Tom Cruise and can absorb the energy and essence of any living creature. The upside of this movie is the change of scenery as the gang heads to Miami! Sometimes I think about all I could have accomplished had I only seen this movie once or never at all.
  15. Police Academy 6
    With the exception of the main cast (sans Guttenberg goddammit) this movie hardly resembles a Police Academy film. It's more of a noir if I'm allowed to use that term to describe a Police Academy movie. Then again, I think Michael Winslow (sound effects guy) convinces a criminal that he's a karate robot? Not I think, I know, I've seen this movie 37 times. Much of the film is shot on a studio backlot which makes everything feel claustrophobic. There's a mystery involved. It's so dumb. I love it.