THINGS I'M POSITIVE MOVE CLOSER TO ME AND MEAN ME HARM WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
- •Charlie Chaplin PaintingThe Tramp is basically a clown. There's a clown in here with me. I swear he dances side to side, twirling his cane, thinking about what my blood tastes like. Sometimes he jumps out of the painting and sits on my nightstand. I hate him.
- •Evil Mom PhotographShe's in this photo my father took. Just to the left of the bigger house. I swear she moves closer every couple minutes and then pops back into place when I open my eyes. She's the evil bizarro version of my sweet Jewish mother. I never want to know what happens when she reaches the frame. That's why I have this mountain of blow under my pillow and make lists at 2:15 in the morning.
- •Ceiling KnivesI hate fans. This one gets closer and closer until it just about decapitates me. But I always open my eyes right before it does though.